New Zealand’s state lottery, Lotto, has jackpotted to its maximum $32 million this week, so somebody has to win.

If there’s no first division winner, it’ll get split between the 2nd division winners.

Perfect time to buy a ticket right?

Well, no.

Not for me.

I’m a 35 year old recently-single mother of a toddler with less than $500 in the bank and no regular income.

And I don’t want to win the lottery.

Truly?

I sat with this in meditation this morning, as my son crawled all over me and joined me in a few Oms.

I was curious about that idea: who doesn’t want to win the lottery, right?

I felt the sensations around winning $32 million dollars, or even just $1 million dollars and it felt…wrong, somehow.

Like it would give me too many things to do, things which would take me off my path.

See, this is a magical time for me.

While I am a 35 year old recently-single mother of a toddler with less than $500 in the bank and no regular income, I also have a diamond-clear understanding of my talents, skills and passions and I’m really, really enjoying figuring out how I’m going to offer this talent, skill and passion up to this world.

Drop a cool mil in my bank account and suddenly the motivation to offer my goodness to the world…fades. The edge softens. Suddenly, whether or not I can make it as Me doesn’t matter anymore ‘cos I got cash.

I’ll take the edge instead, thanks.

Today I registered a company, investing $163 of that $500 into my future.

I did my first Skype session with a talented friend and writer who has gamely offered himself up as guinea pig for a Writer’s Mentoring service I’ll be offering in a month or two.

Last Friday I had my first one-on-one yoga session with a student who’s stoked to be learning about the deeper aspects of yoga practice.

It’s been a blessed week that has blossomed out of the way I’ve approached the last three months since I finally separated from my partner.

In these three months I’ve committed to being right where I am, every step of the way.

That’s meant fully feeling the grief of leaving a man I deeply loved—and paradoxically, fully feeling the joy of finally being free of a destructive relationship dynamic.

As a result, life has opened up in ways it never could when I was fighting against the current of what I knew to be true.

Mostly, I now feel free.

Yep, I can pursue my truth, 100% balls to the wall.

So even though I’m in a situation that on paper sounds dire, in truth, I feel more supported and wealthier than ever before.

Truly.

I know that the current circumstances of my life are providing the perfect conditions for me to grow and ripen, and I’d like to take total advantage of these circumstances.

Winning the lottery would throw this all out of whack.

I mean, I’d have to celebrate. I’d have to go on a holiday somewhere. I’d have to help out friends and family. I’d have to buy a house.

Even if I just parked the money in the bank and got on with what I doing…I’d still know. The edge would be gone.

None of which is bad in and of itself, but it would take time and energy away from the creation of My Life which is far more important right now.

Now is the hour, and I ain’t wasting it on frivolities.

I’ve got a website to finish, writers to mentor, yoga students to teach, articles to write, an online business partnership to float, and an online yoga magazine to publish.

And I’m loving every single second of it.

I most definitely don’t want to be anywhere other than right where I am.

And that makes me realise that I’ve already won the lottery.

Because when people dream of winning the lottery, isn’t that what they’re dreaming of really?

Doing exactly what they want to do with their lives?

Feeling total contentment?

Being free?

The great illusion of our consumer world is that we think

Money is the ticket to get us there…

Money is the passport which will get us out of the job we hate and into the Life we’re dreaming of…

Money makes it safe to chase our dreams because we can’t fail with Money on our side…

So we buy a lottery ticket.

And dream of winning.

Meanwhile, we keep living the life we’ve been living, scared to make the moves we know we need to make, missing the most important point of all…

It ain’t money or anything external that we need, it’s courage.

Because it’s our life.

We’re in charge.

We can pick our winning numbers anytime we dare.

I’ve chosen mine.

What you waiting for?