You know you want to…

I realize that the New Year’s train has already left the station and I’m a little late to the party. This is the case because until recently, I have taken a hiatus from writing, as life had gotten somewhat overwhelming and I wanted to take some of my energy off the page. But I’m back now and I’m ready for 2012.

I’ve also taken some time to reflect on 2011. I started posting in elephant journal last year and have been an avid reader as well. It was a pretty crazy year in the yoga community. There were the Lululemon Murders in addition to some of the other Lululemon controversies, there was the Great Secession from Anusara, vegans vs. everyone who isn’t vegan, the marriage of John Friend and Manduka and a panoply of other happening events to keep things hopping in the blogosphere. Having gotten this whole year of experience under my belt, I felt that it was time to take what I have learned and translate it to a set of rules to blog by in the hopes that my lessons will help others have a more optimal internet blogging experience.

Rule No. 1 – Stop Trying to be Funny

I believe that I was overly superfluous with injecting humor in my previous articles and have decided that I need to curtail that in the name of good writing. It has come to my attention that an article with elements of tongue-in-cheek style humor will draw fire from serious readership and may offend those who like to skate along the surface of existence. As such, it is very easy to offend the sensibilities of the average conservative reader. Ergo, it’s my conclusion that all of my articles for 2012 should be serious with very little subtle humor. A joke or two is fine, but cleverness should be reserved for comedians and social outcasts with no friends. In order for me to be a part of things and a successful writer at elephant journal, I will need to keep my articles serious and on-point. No one likes a clown…Except, of course, other clowns. F*ck clowns! Clowns are scary.

Rule No. 2 – Understand Waylon Lewis’s function as the creator of elephant journal

In the last year, I have read quite a bit about this Waylon Lewis (if that is, in fact, his real name). At first, I thought he was a heroic manifestation of all of the left-wing tree huggers who needed someone to worship. So I decided to investigate further by reading blogs with his name in it, comments from his videos and articles, as well as Mr. Lewis’s comments to some of the blogs on his site. Further, I reached out to him a couple of times and had the pleasure of meeting him in person…At least I think it was him. I’m told he has an impersonator to prevent overzealous elephant fans from finding him. He also has a protection detail that rivals that of the president. I had to go through five screenings before being allowed to have lunch with him. After everything I have learned about him, and at great personal risk (Waylon has a very powerful reach and serious connections) I have decided to regale all of you with the truth about the “real” Waylon Lewis. If you have an idealized version of this man, you may want to stop reading now as I don’t want to ruin your day.

Some of you may perceive Waylon as a blogger, an editor, a blog commenter, a Buddhist, eco-conscious, a bike-rider, a dog-owner, a wild man, a vegan for 2012 and friend to the community. I’m here to tell you that nothing could be further from the truth. Waylon and I go wayyyy back, nearly a year, to be exact. In all of the time we spent together, (at least three hours in person, and quite a few online) I have learned everything I need to know about him and can now be considered a credible source who can give you the straight facts. So here goes:

Waylon Lewis uses the millions of dollars he garners in profit from elephant journal to fund animal cruelty efforts in the United States and throughout the world. He hates animals, and if you look really closely, his dog is actually a robot that was created by one of the technology companies that Waylon secretly owns through a shell corporation.

If you live in Colorado, does your water taste funny? That’s because Waylon Lewis has singlehandedly funded a secret fracking operation in the mountains, all for his personal profit. He oversees all of it from his secret underground facility where he has been known to wine and dine dictators from various countries all over the world, wooing them with his oil and his money.

My last sighting of Waylon was of him on his gas-guzzling secret yacht in the middle of the Caribbean with Chip Wilson, the founder of Lululemon. Using satellite technology, I was able to listen in on their conversation. From what I was able to glean, being the credible source that I am, the goal of Waylon and Chip was to find a way to take over the cocaine industry. Then, the plan is to lace all Lululemon clothing with trace amounts of coke so that all of their rich buyers would become unconsciously addicted. To make this happen, Waylon would provide the financing from the profits gleaned from his fracking operation, and Chip would implement “Operation Cocaine Pants”. Once the rich yogis who shop at and wear Lululemon got addicted to cocaine, Waylon and Chip would then offer the drug at local Lululemon stores at a “discount”  since everyone who wears Lululemon is rich and can afford it anyway.

This just scratches the surface of the sinister and dastardly deeds for which Waylon Lewis is responsible. As with this article, I will continue to submit objective journalism regarding Waylon’s exploits in 2012.

Rule No. 3 – It’s better if you’re vegan

In the last few years, but especially in 2011, the Vegans vs. Everyone Who is Not Vegan debate has continued to make front line blog pages. Some of the arguments back and forth have gottenpretty nasty, and it has inspired me to come up with a peaceful solution. My solution, for 2012, is to tell all vegans that I, too, am vegan. I am trying to get all omnivores or ovo-lactos like myself to adopt this habit in an endeavor to create peace. Even if I choose to eat meat, I have decided that it’s not necessary to tell anyone. If no one knows that I eat meat, then it mitigates the cruelty done to the animals to satisfy my carnivorous palate. This will also lend me credibility with all the granola crunchers and tree-huggers.  After all, I don’t want to offend anyone. This way, everybody wins  (except the animals, of course, but hey, what people don’t know can’t hurt them and since animals can’t speak English, they must not have feelings anyway.) Moral dilemma = None!

Rule No. 4 – Be More Opinionated

Open-mindedness is for the birds. I used to be of the philosophy that if there was a crime scene, and you asked 500 witnesses what they saw, you would most likely get 500 different answers. Well, enough of that.  There is only one right answer, and that’s the one that comes from me.  Since I am now vegan (See rule no. 3) and I’m aware of the Waylon Lewis Conspiracy (see rule no.2) and I have become wayyy more serious (see rule no. 1)  I have reached the conclusion that the only opinion I can trust is my own, and that the only people I can trust are those who share my opinion.

“Live and Let Live” is an expression of the past. For 2012, my mission will be to make everyone adopt a Vegan Lifestyle (or tell everyone they have) and practice Vinyasa Flow Yoga.  If you practice Anusara, Bikram, or any other type of yoga that is not specifically Vinyasa Flow, then you are doing it wrong and cannot consider yourself a real yoga practitioner. Yoga is either Vinyasa Flow, or it’s a bunch of namby-pamby mumbo-jumbo being practiced under the guise of yoga. Additionally, when practicing Vinyasa Flow yoga, one must wear appropriate yoga clothing. And by appropriate, I mean that the clothing must be brand name and ass-reamingly expensive, Lululemon being the top preference. As far as practice mats go, the yoga mat must at least be a Manduka. The John Friend model is preferred since it leads to enlightenment, but remember, you can only practice Vinyasa Flow yoga on it. If even the slightest mention of the 5 Principles of Alignment comes up while you are practicing on the mat, then you are not worthy of practicing on it and must switch to a beach towel of cheap cloth until you are deemed worthy of the Manduka again by a qualified guru. I will be leading a movement to create a tribunal of Vinyasa Flow Yoga teachers who are enlightened and share my viewpoints.  These gurus will be given the power to anoint others as teachers as well.  That way, we can change the world to Vinyasa Flow, one yogi at a time. To market ourselves, we will work together with the Kool-Aid company and market our own brand of refreshing yoga drink called, “Vinyasa Flow Kool-Aid”.  It will become more stylish than kombucha, and a bigger fad than chia seeds.

Rule No. 5 – Jump to Conclusions

I feel that far too much time was wasted in 2011 waiting to hear peoples’ viewpoints and for them to justify their statements. It’s time to take what everyone says at face value in 2012. Why look further into someone’s statements when we can all save time and draw a quick conclusion based on the initial statement. This may be a hard concept to grasp, so I will lead with an example:  Meat is Murder. There is no wiggle room here. If you eat meat, or any by-products such as cheese and eggs, you are a cold-blooded killer.  If you hunt for your food, you are a murderer, plain and simple. Why waste time looking into the nuances of peoples’ existence, cultural norms, or even what is good for the human body?  If you eat meat, then you are most likely a sociopath with no sense of right, wrong, good or evil.

“But each human body is different”, some namby-pamby whiner might say in their feeble defense.

To that, I say, “shut your meat-hole, carnivore!” This keeps everything all neat and tidy. 2012 should be a year of organization and solid conclusions, and the way to get there is to stop listening or reading attentively after the initial statement. This will save all of us time and money so that we can all be vegan (or tell everyone we are,) practice Vinyasa Flow yoga and share my opinions.

I am optimistic that conducting myself per the above set of rules will lead to a more enlightened, more unified 2012. Happy New Year to all who agree with me!  And to the rest of you, try “Vinyasa Flow Kool-Aid”.  It’s refreshing and it will help you become more enlightened.