Judging from the recent epidemic of yoga scandals involving sex on the mat, there is obviously something wrong with me. That’s because after 15 years of practicing yoga, I have never been sexually harassed on the mat.

Never. Not once. Not even close.

It gets worse.

Several of my favorite teachers over the years have apparently been sleeping with lots of other yogis, students, employees, and probably the staff of the last hotel where they stayed while on a yoga tour.

And me? Nothing. What the hell?

Furthermore, I recently went through yoga branding where you put “you” together with “yoga” and when you are finished your fundamental nature is communicated in two or three words. Many of my yoga friends have undergone branding and a few have come out without their pants on.  (You can read the original blog here).

On the other hand, when I went to get branded nobody looked at me and thought:  “Let’s get naked.” What the hell? They looked at me and thought, “Erma Bombeck.” If you don’t remember who Erma Bombeck was, she was a very funny writer who looked like John Madden wearing a wig.

Maybe I’m not Wiccan Enough?

So, I’m starting to think like Mick Jagger when he sang, “Am I rich enough, tough enough blah blah blah?” But instead I’m thinking I must not be Wiccan enough, because in addition to lots of people being sexually harassed in yoga it turns out that lots of people are Wiccans.

When I learned that John Friend, the founder of Anusara yoga, is also a Wiccan, I asked my local teacher, what is this? He said he was not going to bother to try to explain Wiccan-ness, or Wicca, or WTF’er to a soccer mom who lives in the suburbs. It would be a huge waste of time, he said, and besides he probably had to go wash his hair.

So I asked around on the internet and it turns out, lots and lots of people are Wiccans! Who knew? Where I teach yoga in a suburb with a ton of Starbucks and great local schools, I don’t think there are a lot of Wiccans. We have a few Republicans, and possibly a Buddhist, but really I don’t think we have a lot of Wiccans.

But what do I know? Obviously not much, or else I would have figured out that all my yogi friends are Wiccans and having great sex while I’m worried about picking up the kids and finding enlightenment on the way to the supermarket. Honestly, I never considered being a Wiccan because I’m too damn busy trying to be a Jewish/Presbyterian/Catholic/Buddhist/Yogi /Pissed-Off-Democrat and I’m sitting there with my eyes closed going “Om.” Right? I have my eyes closed when I probably should have opened them.

Meanwhile, I’ve got to pick up the environmentally-friendly drycleaning, but just as soon as I can, I’m going to figure this out and see if being a Wiccan will get me a little more action on the mat.