It honestly was devastating to everyone there, but in about two weeks I was literally happy that I was not Yamanataka. In fact, I was elated! You see, I can’t do things like visualize myself as a nine-headed cow thing with 16 legs and eight arms surrounded by fire simply because the religious view is that it will dispel inner and outer obstacles (you decide what that means).

It became so clear to me that I can’t do something simply because of a religious objective.

If you read by my little article, “Religiousity,” you will know that while I give credence to the fact that religion can be very handy in creating different states of mind, I don’t think it’s necessary. In fact I think that religious activities can be the absolute epitome of self-deception.

So this year I was in this great place where the “View” was crystal clear. Meditation was fantastic. I was “licking the blade of nowness!” as we say in Shambhala. Mindful awareness was my thing. Mind like the sky, baby!  

Then, I saw in my calendar that His Holiness was coming back to Long Beach to give Yamanataka.

I was thrown into a giant awful self-induced spiritually materialistic sickness. Don’t I want to be Yamantaka?! Don’t I want to visualize myself as a nine-headed cow thing with 16 legs and eight arms (holding weapons no less) surrounded by fire? Won’t I be a mega Buddhist?

Everyone will think, oh, wow—yeah, his “yidam” is Yamantaka. He is a nine-headed cow thing with eight arms and 16 legs surrounded by fire.  

He’s legit.

I literally became ill, but pressed on. I wanted to be a real Buddhist. I wanted to be respected (whatever that means?). I wanted to like Tsongkhapa (except I don’t really like Tsonkhapa—brilliant maybe, but he has no idea about meditation).

Did you know that Dilgo Kyentse’s yidam was Yamantaka at one point?  I mean, really Dilgo Kyentse. Now truthfully he is a master. Mister Universe! I wanted to be like Dilgo and the Dalai Lama!

I wanted to be able to keep the commitments for the rest of my life. It sounded so cryptic it must be enlightenment!

So to submerge myself in real Buddhism, I went to an empowerment at your local Tibetan Buddhist center and got White Tara, which honestly was great. Probably the best teaching by Zaoeche Rinpoche I had heard. Shout out to Emaho! And that’s saying a lot because he is really pretty cool.

But through the entire day I was literally nauseated and stressed out. Deep in my being I knew I was lying to myself.  I did not want to be Yamantaka. I did not want a yidam (sounds sexy but..). All these prayers and throwing rice and flowers was very quaint, but no one will ever describe me as quaint. It’s just not me.

I’m not Yamantaka. I’m not a nine-headed cow thing with 16 legs, eight arms (with weapons but alas no light saber) surrounded by fire. I really don’t want to be. I don’t want to make commitments that I can’t/won’t keep. His Holiness deserves better. I don’t to do any of that.  I want to appreciate life and marvel at the amazing quality of trees and the world and life. I want to lick the blade of nowness and appreciate the human condition as basically good.

I just wanna be me. And that’s legit enough.

~

Editor: Brianna Bemel