Yoga is the path to knowing yourself, but it turns out I have been dating a stranger.

I recently had an astrology reading from a Vedic perspective, and guess what? All my life I thought I was a Scorpio, and now it turns out I’m a Virgo/Libra/Cancer person. Holy planetary crisis, Batman! This is because the Vedic path takes into account tiny shifting of the planets in their orbits over the years, or some crazy shit like that.

I want to admit, that as much as I tried to be a Scorpio there were aspects of the sign which made no sense to me. For example, Scorpios are brilliant. Not so much with me (see above description of why Vedic is different from traditional horoscopes). Scorpios also make excellent surgeons, scientists and leaders. Heads up, you do not want me to operate on you under any circumstances.

Now that I’m a Virgo, life is much, much easier to understand. For example, I like things clean and organized. This explains a lot about my marriage, because apparently my husband was born under a sign that likes things to be spread out all over the place. The other thing about my new Virgo self is that the planet Mercury rules it.  This is why when Mercury is retrograde (which is yoga-speak for when things are not your fault) I go completely freaking insane. Which from what I can determine, is pretty much all the time.

While Virgo is my rising sign (just go with me here because I can’t explain it), my moon is in Cancer, the crab. The crab has a hard shell on the outside and is mushy on the inside. This explains why I still suck at inversions because in yoga, the goal is to be soft on the outside with a strong core. So now when I fall, it is because I am a Cancer, or possibly because Mercury is retrograde, but either way it is not my fault.

Lastly, my Sun is in Libra symbolized by the scales. This apparently means I have balance. This is the one part of Vedic astrology that makes me suspicious because as a mother, teacher, writer, yogi, muse, maid, driver, cook, etc., balance is what I need, not what I have. However, Libra is also associated with comfort and luxury, and that is true. On a bad day, you will find me huddled under my 700-thread count sheets and pure down comforter.

Lastly, for some reason the planet Saturn is all over my horoscope like mold in a beach house. Saturn is contraction, also known as why things often don’t go my way. I thought everyone had setbacks in life, but apparently no. It’s just me.  If Saturn keeps up I might just go back to being a Scorpio, but don’t worry, I will absolutely never operate on you even if you beg me. My new Vedic self knows I’m not smart enough, and frankly I’d rather clean up afterward anyway.

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Editor: Kate Bartolotta