World Peace, One Lay at A Time.

I have a problem with Catholic priests counseling married couples. As bachelors they simply can’t have the requisite experiences for the job. Hail Mary’s and Our Father’s don’t get the garbage taken out on time.

I have a similar problem with the Dalai Lama reaching for world peace for us all when he hasn’t even tried to satisfy Mrs. Lama. My real beef with Catholics and Mr. Lama pale when I consider all they could learn from sex/relationships but have been deprived of.

Sex is a powerful, life changing, learning experience. Consider all that you can and have learned from having sex. Remember the first time? Remember the last time? Remember the time when you didn’t want to have sex but did anyway and the time you wanted to so badly but didn’t? Remember the time when you thought that sex would fix a relationship or the time you imagined that there was such a thing as safe sex (really)?

Sex influences every nook and every cranny of your life.

Mr. Lama hasn’t experienced any of that. He hasn’t experienced the let down after sex or the build up before it. He probably doesn’t even know how to flirt or what foreplay is, other than theoretically. He hasn’t wondered if he should try a little tongue or a little touch in that special place.

Do you think the Dalai Lama is sexually frustrated? I do.

When you go without sex for long enough, don’t you want it pretty badly? I have a theory that being born blind doesn’t mean you don’t want to see. Sure, it makes the idea of seeing scary and threatening to the status quo. But given that, I simply am not able to reconcile my desire to hear the Dalai Lama moaning with sexual pleasure with my need for a Free Tibet.

I do know there is a terrible struggle going on between the Dalai Lama, his people, and China. But it doesn’t take a rocket scientist or a cocktail waitress to figure out China is so powerful because it has so many people.

People beget people only by having sex. So, what we have here is a stalemate between the Dalai Lama and no sex versus the Chinese and a lot of sex. It seems logical that the Dalai Lama had better get humping or he will lose by default.

I hope that I haven’t offended any of you. I do know human rights violations are horrible and I know at the hands of the Chinese many people have been mistreated, tortured or killed. But I’d also guess the Dalai Lama needs a little loving just like the rest of us. Without that tender closeness how can he expect people to live in peace?

I propose a simple movement: the Get the Dalai Lama Laid Movement.

I once saw a picture of Richard Gere and the Dalai Lama. Richard, as I understand, is no virgin. The Dalai Lama is sexually inexperienced. The picture deeply inspired me. What if the Dalai Lama set out to have sex with as many women as Richard has?

Taking this idea to a crazy extreme, what if the Dalai Lama had sex with each and every woman that Richard has had sex with. Remember American Gigolo? Not a great movie, but the sequel could be Tibeten Gigolo starring the Dalai Lama as himself. Now that seems to be a step toward World Peace don’t you think?

Please join the movement.

As a member you will need to fulfill certain conditions. There are no financial dues, but there are some sexual ones and some sensual ones too. Here they are:

1. You need to think loving thoughts toward someone you have never met before at least twice a day.

2. You need to have regular sex, at least once a week, with yourself or another.

3. Daily, you must picture the Dalai Lama having sex with one starlet after another. Never two at once though because we wouldn’t want to take this too far.

That’s it. But please be religious about this. This is a sacred club. Can’t you feel World Peace just around the corner? The only thing better than world peace is knowing that you have done your fair share to bring it closer.

 Join Today!

There is no paperwork to sign, no forms to fill out, just fulfill the conditions and wait patiently for the newspaper headlines:  Dalai Lama Satisfied, and Richard Gere Appears Jealous, and Tibet is Finally Free.

Once you have the Dalai Lama in bed your job isn’t over. For World Peace we need him to be really, really good in the sack.

Remember, supporting the Dalai Lama and his sexual exploits doesn’t make you pimp. It makes you a partner in world peace.

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Editor: Jennifer Cusano