I’m pissed and confused. Not a good combo, I’m learning. One minute I’m crying crocodile tears and the next I’m throwing Kundalini punches in the air.
What’s my malfunction? I found two hotel card keys in my husband’s jacket pocket. Why was I searching through his pockets? Women, wives, in particular and mothers most definitely, have a keen sense of something is up and that drove me to put my hand in the left hand pocket of his leather jacket, which began this serious of most unfortunate events.
First I called the hotel, sure enough my husband had checked in recently (less than five months) and paid in cash about $140. Check in time was 10 p.m. Whoa. He really did it, he cheated on me…going through my head, then I would vehemently disagree and assure myself my husband loves me, he would never fuck another woman.
Would he?
Monogamy is not a strong human trait. It takes discipline and love. Especially in men, and the old adage, “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” is truth. People’s choices and beliefs are the foundations of relationships, which is why we as a society have so many complex issues like marriage equality, drug legalization, education, food equality, and civil rights that are far too vast for thirteen people with old thinking in this Aquarian age.
I have a friend who is in an open marriage.
This means her and her husband (who are legally married) are free to have sex with whomever they wish. They love each other and their children deeply and before I knew about their choice regarding monogamy, I couldn’t see they were different from me and my husband. When she told me I was like “wow,” but it works for them and they are happy campers.
My other friend found out her husband had cheated on her and bam, divorce. They were married 15 years with three children. Again, I was like wow. My point? Don’t measure your corn by another man’s bushel. Meaning, we shouldn’t judge others choices or life decisions. What works for me may not work for you. Ever.
I could never ever be in an open relationship. Yet, observing how happy my friend is with her choice I could never argue against it. We must have faith that each one of us on this beautiful planet has the wisdom to make the perfect choice for ourselves, other human beings and ultimately the universe and all that we came from and one day will reunite with.
We got this.
So would my husband fuck another woman?
I have my proof, two hotel keys, cash payment (no credit card statement) check in time. I text my husband the date, hotel name and check in time. I wait. He admits he was there with another woman.
He swears they didn’t have sex, didn’t even make out. “WHAT THE F•CK EVER,” I text back, just like that in all caps. We don’t speak the rest of the day. I come home and we fight a horrible fight. I am sick, sad, confused, and mad as hell. Wanting to believe him.
I woke up this morning by the Grace of God and immediately wrote this, wanting to share my heart with everyone.
My rational mind says “don’t be a dumb-ass,” and my heart bellows “believe him!” Why am I so distraught at the thought of my husband sticking his dick in another woman? My mantra is, “Let go of that which does not serve you.” Go away jealousy! Go away envy! Go away doubt! Finally my suffering lifted and I realized, “Wow,” emotions actually do come and go. I feel the same as I did yesterday. Before all the hotel drama. Maybe all that meditation, when I thought I wasn’t meditating, is working!
This is what I learned.
If feels really good to forgive.
As I consciously made the decision to forgive my husband for whatever, whenever, with or not with whomever; I felt a tingling sensation begin at my head and it literally washed my body head to toe. My breath began to slow down and deepen. I felt calm. These sensations were the physiological response to my emotional state. Did it take my flipping the f*ck out to come to this state of peace?
What kind of weirdness is this?
In Kundalini Rising: Exploring The Energy of Awakening, Gurmukh Kaur Khalsa writes about Adi Shakti, the strong feminine link to the divine. Her words are so powerful I felt her voice in my body as I read them.
A woman’s pure vibration can bring healing to any person or situation on earth. When she lives in her divine heritage, she becomes more than God. She actually becomes the Adi Shakti, the creative consciousness of God, and she can beam her projection of radiance and healing toward anyone. That’s why a woman in a home sets the tone for all who live there. When she loves, breaths, and walks in her highest graceful power, all around her are transformed. A woman living in this state of mind and consciousness can uplift and manifest anything. A woman’s sacred touch can turn all adversity into prosperity.
Women set the tone of the family, the home, the world and the universe. Women are the grace of god. Women have the strength to elevate the world to a higher love. Knowing this made me realize, I have a universe to heal and forgiveness is the key!
How many people does it take to change the world? Just one. It begins in each one of our hearts. Then spreads.
Did my Kundalini rise? No. Sad Face.
I did have an ‘Oprah Ah-ha moment,’ and that is pretty close. Love makes the world go ‘round. Women and men and husbands and wives and families everywhere, we must forgive.
It brings peace.
Sarah Gunnin is no longer confused and pissed. She got over it. She is back to spreading the love.
~
Editor: Ryan Pinkard
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