In my continuing effort to seek enlightenment, I decided to go gluten-free.

You will be a better yogi if you are both vegan and gluten-free, everyone says so. And probably it couldn’t hurt if you add in a little hula hooping and Acro Yoga too.

However, since I am uncoordinated and terrified of heights, I was going to have to give up the wheat berry (technically gluten is the protein found inside wheat and other grains which make them yummy). It’s been about 40 days and 40 long nights of rice pasta and bread so dense that once I dropped a slice and it nearly broke my toe. And now it’s official: I am fat.

Okay, not fat-fat, just moderately fat. And perhaps not fat by the U.S.D.A. guidelines, and probably still within the Weight Watchers’ range of acceptable. But definitely fat by my personal guideline, that being every single pair of pants in my closet which do not fit. I went gluten-free and gained 10 pounds. I may not be a better yogi, but I certainly am a bigger yogi.

Before you get all uppity about the definition of fat and start pointing out that in the photographs I look pretty good, please notice the strategically placed typewriter. Yes, ask yourself, “Who on Earth uses a typewriter anymore?” Well, that would be someone who needs to hide about 24 inches from her throat to her thighs. I am taking this typewriter on all personal appearances from here to eternity.

Anyone who is an apple shape, meaning we gain weight in our gut and not in our butt, knows how to dress to look good. It usually involves leggings and a top shaped like a tent. However, this is difficult when you teach yoga and need to demonstrate things like standing up straight. And forget about plank pose. My plank looks like a hammock these days.

Therefore, I assume it was out of love when a Skinny Yoga Bitch suggested the following last week:

SYB: “You might want to wear this when you teach.”

Me: “It looks like a rubber girdle.”

SYB: “Right.”

After that conversation I came home and woke up my husband to yell at him because I was sure this was somehow his fault.

I believe it was also with love when another Skinny Yoga Bitch asked me in the same week how it was that I got that fat.

SYB #2: “Did you get that belly from a Diastasis Recti (abdominal separation during childbirth)?

Me: “No. I am just old and fat. And now I am gluten-free.”

If you read this column hoping to be educated on something other than how to disguise an extra ten pounds with a typewriter, here it is. Being gluten-free is not a diet. It may bring you closer to enlightenment, but it will not get you closer to fitting in your yoga pants.

Why? Because gluten-free foods still have the same carbohydrate value as grain-based foods. In fact, some of those gluten-free brownies and cakes may actually have more calories as they are loaded with sugar and fat to taste good. So unless you have Celiac Disease or another very good reason, going gluten-free may not be a great idea.

There you have it. If you want to be closer to enlightenment and fit into your yoga pants, you will have to eat better. This is a total bummer so for now, I’m just going to hang with my typewriter—especially when I teach yoga—and maybe those Skinny Yoga Bitches will pick on someone their own size.

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Editor: Kate Bartolotta

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