Dear Yogi Muse:

I want to express my opinions but I am afraid of the Yoga Police. They seem to be everywhere these days. What should I do?

– Conflicted in Connecticut

Dear Conflicted:

I understand and believe me; you are right to be concerned about the Yoga Police. The YP know everything about yoga and are more enlightened than you and me, or is it you and “I”?  (Believe me, they will let us know.) I have been hounded by them lately. They have been very vocal that what I wear to practice isn’t yogic, that getting angry isn’t yogic, that writing about yoga scandals isn’t yogic, and that making fun of yoga isn’t yogic. Apparently, you are only supposed to breathe and be quiet on your mat.

So this is how I deal with the Yoga Police: some days just require Xanax. I also recommend that they might try yoga to deal with my unyogic-ness because everyone says it works. Good luck, and do not be afraid of people who sign their name, God or Great Teacher. I mean, really? I think God may have other things on his/her mind than whether or not my butt looks big in Luon.

Dear Yogi Muse,

I understand that the editor of Elephant Journal, Waylon Lewis, is a Buddhist. Do I need to be Buddhist to write for EJ?

– Practicing but not yet Perfect

Dear Practicing,

I don’t think so, but it couldn’t hurt. (I am waving my arms above my head and screaming, Joke!, for all the serious people, many of which live in Boulder, are Buddhist, and do not think this is funny.) However, the Yoga Police will give you a much easier time if you are gluten-free because that is also necessary to be yogic (Um, waving my arms above my head again people). And yes, I do know that many individuals have a life-threatening allergy or Celiac disease and I am in no way making fun of those people who experience illness from gluten. I am only making fun of everyone else.

Dear Yogi Muse,

Why are you so angry all the time? Your energy is very bad and it is destroying yoga and all of mankind. You deserve much bad Karma, and I wish it would happen already so I can get back to being more yogic than you.

– Great Teacher

Dear Great Teacher:

How did you get here? You are supposed to wait until after the blog has been posted to tell me that I am evil.

But I want to clear this up because I get asked a lot about why I seek to destroy mankind. First of all, it’s just not true! However, I take life, including yoga, lightly. I try to find a way to laugh through the tears. Furthermore, my humor veers towards the snarky. In fact, I have asked to be called, The Queen of Snark, but so far I am still just Michelle, queen of all the dishes I can see in my kitchen.

Truthfully, I will just go out on a limb and say I am the most self-deprecating, snarky, middle-aged brunette yogi living in the Rocky Mountains who also has two dogs. Their names are Lucy and Ricky. If you don’t think that’s funny and that I still want to destroy the world, then I just give up. Have a nice day until we see each other in the next life.

~

Editor: Brianna Bemel

 

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