Every year, the same f*cking holiday songs play over and over.

Some have been remixed, others bastardized by current pop sensations. And the classics have started to sound like a nagging spouse. So this season, I’ve compiled a list of my own.

I’ve yet to compose the music for them, but I’m sure a certain tune will pop in your head after reading the lyrics; these are written in the style of off off Broadway musicals that will never see the light of day.

Me-Tunes Holiday Edition

1. F*ck my life on this cold winter’s day:

F*ck my life on this cold winter’s day/I’m scraping my car at four in the morning to go to a job I hate/Jesus Christ in a manger; I’m so horny I’d fuck a stranger/My coffee tastes like dirt/This blizzard is going to make me late for work/What the hell; no one showed up today/F*ck my life on this cold winter’s day.

Chorus:

F**k my life

For real I need to be f**cked

It’s winter time

And I’m shit out of luck

2. I will cover my fat with a sweater:

Will he send his love in a text or a letter? I ponder while eating a block of cheddar. Why is that person looking at me sideways? Could it be I’ve gained a few pounds over the holidays? Next year I’ll be a real go-getter, but for now, I’ll cover my fat with a sweater.

There is no chorus for this. Just hum, while drinking a gallon of eggnog, topped off with a pound of food—and then finish it all off by putting on a holiday sweater (Bill Cosby style).

3. Rudolph gets a D.U.I.

Santa’s sleigh, up in the air, is lead by one drunken reindeer. Fed-ex can suck it and so can UPS. Serve me up another whiskey; pressed. I’ve got the world to fly around Rudolph says. Make it a double until my nose turns red. How the hell else am I supposed to get through this night? Who the hell thinks reindeer can fly? That’s what the cop asked me right before he gave me my D.U.I.

Who was the officer you say? Ask Santa and the man who impounded his sleigh.

Chorus:  (Cue bells being played like noises during a hangover)

Don’t let this Christmas be a waste.

Learn from me; Rudolph

Get a D.D. and drive safe.

Safe driving is the way to save Christmas.

Lest you end up with a D.U.I ticket.

You might want to see a doctor if your nose is red

Because unlike mythical me—Rudolph—you may end up dead.

4. Single again at Christmas:

I’ve watched Love Actually five times. Five Times! Maybe I should whore myself out like LeeAnn Rimes. Country music? Let’s get together for some Holiday shenanigans. News flash, I have no friends. So, another year of festive lights. Another year of lonely nights. Another year of I loathe my life. Maybe I’ll watch Love Actually a sixth time?

Movies and cats. Gym memberships and fat. I want more than that. What gift can I give that won’t be returned ? Who would I give it to because no one wants to stand in lines at Walmart on the 26^th of December. Another holiday alone. Another holiday with an empty home. Another holiday totally blown.

Baby Jesus, are you listening?

Me and your Dad go way back. He knows what I always ask. Bring me a spouse so rare and fine so we can have a night divine. Let the star of Bethlehem align. And in the years to come I won’t be stuck in singledum. Another year in total bliss. Another year sealed with a kiss. Another year with just one wish.

Are you getting all this? Because I am tired, oh so tired, f**king tired of being single on Christmas!

5. Seriously, with the in-laws.

Don’t tell me what to do. I know he is your son. Don’t fix him is food. He is my husband. Deal with your own issues. I don’t like your cooking either. No I didn’t miss you. But we have to do this each year.

I’ll do the dishes and smile after the meal has been consumed.

Meanwhile, the men will drink and smoke in the living room.

Yes, I remember that one time you were nice to me at the wedding.

And no I’m not going to give back the ring; I’m bound to this family.

This family and its imperfections,

This family rules without exception,

This family is nothing like my own,

I swear to this family, next year I’m going home.

Thank you for the lovely scented candle I get as a gift. I re-gift them for office parties. Clearly you don’t catch my drift. I’m not the biggest fan of uncle Marty. Holidays with in-laws drives me to drink. But, I’m not going anywhere. Because I don’t care what you think. You can’t have your little boy back. He’s a grown man. Stop faking a heartattack. We’re leaving hand in hand. When I say, “Happy Holidays,” I’m being sincere. No matter how crazy you all are, I will see you again next year!

For more new Christmas songs, just get shit-face drunk and have your friends record you mumbling in your sleep. I bet you anything it will sound better than the crap you hear being played in malls all over America. Happy Holidays everyone!

~B Love

* Author’s Note: Humor is the best gift, don’t you think? What are your favorite Holiday Songs? Which ones do you detest?

~

Ed: Bryonie Wise

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