My fear of self-pleasuring started the day I heard my church was starting an A.A.-type group for guys addicted to masturbating. I was probably about 13 at the time—hormones raging—and in that moment I thought, “I’ve got to stop!”

Then the realization kicked in. Not only was masturbation a sinful act worthy of an addiction recovery group for guys, but it was so bad that women didn’t do it at all—because we didn’t even have group.

Guilt and shame were followed by a sense of being alone. For all I knew, I was the only girl who was getting off—aside from the married women and sluts who had sex. I had no idea where I stood compared to others because this was just not a topic to be discussed—especially by girls.

After a couple days of sheer will power I succumbed to “the urge.”

At this point, I felt that orgasm—and even pleasure—was, in general, something that was wrong and shameful. Orgasm needed to be reached quickly while hidden under the covers.

This meant that the experience was only half enjoyed for…oh, about a minute from orgasm onset. And even then, it was still bracketed by both pre- and post-pleasure guilt. At the time I had no idea how profound this situation was nor how much it would affect my capacity for healthy sexual expression over the following years.

Growing up, I began to disassociate pleasure—especially sexual pleasure—from being ‘good’ or ‘healthy.’

I experienced this weird inner battle, between mind and body. It felt so natural for me. It was as if my body knew that this was the path to enlightenment, pleasure, purpose and healing—but my mind had always been taught to question that knowing.

This battle continued on for many years.

Unfortunately, and as is the case for so many other women, serious stuff had to happen before I began to see the importance of coming back to my body’s original knowing.

Serious stuff you ask?

Yes, and which included such things as forced sexual situations, trusting others more than myself, anxiety, skin cancer, a sexually transmitted disease, and worst of all—a lack of expression and knowing of who I really was. 

It took a few of those things to pop up before I really saw the depth of the connection between my confidence, expression, health and how I felt about my sexuality and sexual expression.

On my journey of personal growth and health, I have received many certifications and have participated in countless workshops and courses. I even received my degree in natural health. But it wasn’t until I brought this last piece in—that of being okay with, and actually embracing my sexual expression—that I felt complete.

I had to find a way to merge my body’s knowing with my mind’s own resistance.

I am still on this journey of personal growth, and I know there will be never-ending healing and experiences that will come my way through exploring and expressing my own sexuality. But, there have been a few pivotal moments so far that have helped to bridge this gap for me.

1. I received permission to be in and to support being my sexual self. And, just to clarify—I am not a crazed sex fiend. What I mean by ‘being my sexual self’  is simply that I am allowing my sexuality to be a part of my life instead of stuffed down and hidden inside.
2. Talking about it.
3. Connecting my body and mind through movement, in particular dance (go-go dancing to electronic music is, to this day, my favorite).

Now, I am able to see in my practice everyday how this disconnect between pleasure and goodness, or this battle between the body knowing and the mind resisting, is affecting women all over the world.

What I have noticed for myself and in other women is that when we give ourselves permission to enjoy pleasure—sexual pleasure—and begin to understand that it is our birthright, that is when we step into our authentic pleasure and everything really begins to shift.

Regardless of what messages you have received over the years, know that your authentic sexual expression will heal. And it is fun!  And it feels amazing!  It’s a never-ending journey, but most certainly one worth starting.

Allison Braun aka The Bedroom Joyologist is a sexual expression savant. After experiencing it first hand herself she now helps women let go of sexual guilt, shame and yucky “shoulding” so they can experience the passionate, soul-satisfying and deeply connected sex life and relationship they desire—first and foremost with themselves and an awesome partner too.

Her holiday gift to you is a Video Training Course on “Simple Steps Any Woman Can Take, Including YOU, To Get Out Of Your Head (in bed) and Turned ON In Your Body – Starting Today!”

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Assistant Editor, T. Lemieux
Ed: Kate Bartolotta