Sometimes it seems as if making love becomes overly complicated. All these articles about how to do it properly.

All the frustration at boring or mechanical sex.

All the confusion about what women really want, what men really want and whether the two sets of needs can ever happily co-exist.

And then I look at you, my lover, and know that sometimes my body just seems so alien and different from your own—all those hidden parts, and extra bits, and emotional complexities thrown into the mix. So I’m paring it down to some basics—just five little things that will keep me purring in your arms and bed, and make you feel like the love god you’re capable of being.

 1. Look into my eyes. Take the time to connect with me. Stroke my cheek if you want, or my hair, but stay focused on me. Forget about work, or what has to be done next, or even the petty argument we had earlier. I’m here, now, in front of you. Make me feel like nothing else matters at this moment except this. I want to feel the light of your attention on me, drawing me into a world where there is only you and me—even if it’s only for a few moments.

2. Kiss me. Properly. Taste my lips. Slowly. Don’t rush in, all tongue, trying to accomplish a mission. Savor the kiss as if it’s your favorite glass of wine (even if you’re not a wine connoisseur, you get the idea). If you even just kiss me properly, once a day, that would go a long way to making me your cheerful, loyal, friend (now I’m sounding like a dog!). But honestly, kissing is one of the basic life skills if you want to get ahead with a lover. And a good kiss starts off slowly and delicately; sensing, tasting, before very gradually letting the tips of our tongues meet; building the intensity, growing the passion. It can be an aperitif that prepares the taste buds for what’s to follow, or it can be a full-blown meal in it’s own right.

3. Don’t forget my neck. Such a cliché, I know, but it makes me swoon when you gently nibble the side of my neck. Like some old-fashioned movie hero and the heroine who goes all limp in his arms when he kisses her neck, I succumb totally when you let your mouth work its magic on those few inches between my shoulders and my head. Lift my hair so you can trail kisses on the back of my neck, sending shivers down my spine, making me hope you’ll work your way downwards.

4. Make love to my nipples. Yes, I love it when you roll them gently between your fingers, and when you suck them, flicking them with your tongue. But please, I’m not a machine and they’re not buttons. Slow down. Take it gently and work your way inwards from my breasts. Make me want you. Tease me a little. Wait until they (and I) are begging to be touched before you do. Then touch gently, slowly at first (a bit of repetition here, eh? Gently and slowly!)  This teasing makes me hungrier for you. And when you finally take a mouthful, put your heart into it. Suck like you are drawing energy and pleasure from me (which you are). Feel that primitive pleasure of suckling.

5. Get to know my clitoris. (I have to admit it’s a tie for fifth place, between touching my clit and asking that you tie me up and dominate me. But I’m going to cheat, because I know that if you do nothing but these five things, I’ll be like putty in your hands anyway, so tying me up would be totally unnecessary.)

It took me years to figure out how my clit worked—what touches she likes, for how long, and where else in my body the feelings resonate. I don’t expect you to miraculously be able to unlock her secrets as if you  have one of your own.

And yet, she still responds remarkably similarly to your beautiful penis—the same feeling of swelling up when I get aroused, the same responsiveness to touch, the same sensitivity to being licked and sucked. Get to know her better, make her your friend and you’ll deepen our friendship. Experiment—and (those words again!) slowly and gently find out what she likes, and what she loves. I could get very technical and suggest you try x number of strokes at a particular pace and pressure, but, as I said, I’m not a machine. So find out for yourself what works for her and what doesn’t. Don’t be shy—I’m happy to lie back and let you play with her, for hours if you want.

With much love and in anticipation of a deeper connection,

Your Lover.

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Assistant Ed: Lori Lothian
Ed: Kate Bartolotta