Softness replaces the hard edges within you and you’re stronger.

When I think about the need to battle to have my way or state my claim, it exhausts me. Strength comes from acceptance, love and surrendering. Taking a step back out of current feelings and resting for a moment changes me.

The battle makes us weak.

One day, a while back, I decided I couldn’t live that way anymore.

And there’s always a catalyst it seems whenever you make a big change.

I had a relationship with someone who I’ll probably always feel a connection to, but it was very unfulfilling.

I spent a long time trying to beat it out of my consciousness and heart. I’d tell him, over and over in so many different ways, why I couldn’t continue and one day, I just stopped talking to him.

Then, I’d tell myself over and over the truth of the situation, or at least what I felt I needed to believe, so I could move on.

But, you never really move on by someone else’s actions or words, you move on because of what you aren’t receiving, because you want more for yourself. 

And I kinda did move on emotionally, except when I could feel him, so strongly. His thoughts, his feelings, his essence; the feeling of it could consume me. I thought I was crazy for feeling this way, but I wasn’t alone.

Fighting it didn’t work.

The battle within and outside of myself took a lot of my focus.  Having him in my life in the haphazard way that he showed up, also didn’t work. When I did allow him back in my life, I realized how alone it was keeping me.

The space he took emotionally left no room for anyone else.

I’d ask myself if I really wanted to be alone or did I want a real relationship?

For a long time, I was afraid of a real relationship. I didn’t want a repeat of my marriage. I didn’t trust myself to choose wisely.

I was attached to punishment and suffering for years, by not having what I needed from someone who I let take up a huge space in my heart.

The strength I thought I had through resistance was just ego. The story of “not letting go, fear, and anger,” wore me out, it made me weak.

Strength comes from slowing down, and feeling the love. Not blocking it. Becoming soft means you’re in a flow; there’s freedom.

Intellectually we get it; we understand, good from bad. We have a hard time with ourselves when our emotions make us feel compelled to do the opposite. When what we do leaves us starving.

Realizing you can’t kick the relationship to the curb emotionally helps, but there’s a way to be at peace with your feelings and reality. Being happy, no matter what.

What can you do to stop the battle and have peace?

1. Stop blocking your feelings.

Even if you live a fairly “wall-free” existence, when there’s something or someone we don’t want to have feelings for—you build a barrier.

It takes energy to hold emotional barriers between ourselves and another person. It also creates resentment. No one needs to live with that baggage, so release it!

2. Allow your feelings to come up.

Every time you have a thought of anger, missing the person or feel the connection, take a breath. Then release the building up of energy from those thoughts and feel love. Relax.

It softens you. Feeling your feelings means you can handle it; it’s what really gives you strength.

3. By not controlling, you are in control.

When you aren’t trying to beat the thoughts and feelings out of yourself, you’re in control. The saying, “what you resist, persists.” True.

Once again, when you relax, you have freedom. The thoughts and feelings you resisted become manageable. You don’t have to take action—you no longer overwhelm you.

4. Ask yourself questions

When you’re overtaken by these feelings and thoughts, it’s hard to understand why you’re here. That’s why allowing the feeling—not building walls and trying not to control—are important.

Why?

Then you have the space to remember clearly and ask yourself questions, such as—did I feel fulfilled in this relationship? Was this person able to give me what I needed (reasonably)? What does a relationship that’s healthy and solid look like to me? Etc.

If you do this often, you’ll notice a huge difference in your demeanor and ability to handle your emotional state. You’ll move on, easier and with far less pain, because you’re not battling you.

You find love and a strength you didn’t know existed, when all resistance is gone.

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Ed: Lynn Hasselberger