Source: iliveprimitive.tumblr.com via Wayne on Pinterest

What do I need you for, now that I’ve learned to cook eggs?

I can satisfy myself sexually, my friends provide me with emotional support and romance, at this point in my life, seems like a schoolgirl’s fantasy.

So I’ve narrowed down “uses of a boyfriend” to someone to go out to breakfast with.

I don’t think I’ve ever gone out to breakfast with a girl, there’s no point. Girls order black coffee and the low-carb muffin and talk about all the work they have to do that day. Boys order ‘Quakey Wakey Eggs’n’Bacey ‘ with flapjacks and then both of you eat too much, leaving you with not enough energy to do anything except have sex all day.

But anyway, I broke down over the weekend and made an omelet for my own self. I’ve never done that before, I’m not ashamed. Cooking is boring, I’ve got better uses for my time.

So I was going to say, now that I’ve mastered crepes and French toast, I don’t have much use for you.

But then I bit off all my nails and ate a pint of ice cream in front of the TV and then I thought,

“Oh yes! I remember, this is what a boyfriend is for: to disperse the amorphous, free-floating cloud of anxiety that threatens to envelop me in solipsistic contemplation and suffocate me with my own self-scrutiny.”

That’s your job. Super-attractive, huh?

Love ahoy, boys, love ahoy. Rowrrrrrrrr.

Madison Canary never attended a school dance. Years as a professional ballerina brought her to Yoga which inspired her to start Yoga N Motion, a company focusing on injury rehabilitation and performance optimization for professional athletes and performers. Movement mentor, dancer, yogini, performer, healer, instructor, writer, lover, ASL interpreter, mover, shaker, surfer. She soon hopes to add runner to this list and hopes you will find her on Facebook so you can be friends.

 

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Ed: Kate Bartolotta