It’s the month of love…but is the love you’re looking for really going to bring you what you want?

Is love actually attainable for the majority of the population, or is it a lofty goal never to be achieved, always to be sought, a constant source of shame when you don’t achieve it?

If the latter sounds more like what’s happening in your life, take heart: That’s actually the way it was meant to be.

Yes, love is actually something called a distractor implant.

A distractor implant is like a dog chasing its tail—it creates a big scene, but does the dog ever get what he’s chasing so energetically?

The sole purpose of a distractor implant is to keep us from seeing us—from seeing the magnificence we can have and be in our lives, from knowing what’s really possible. Distractor implants were identified by Gary Douglas, best-selling author and founder of Access Consciousness.

How can so many people be wrong in what they long for? What are we missing here?

I believe there’s a pot for every lid, as the saying goes, that everyone can in fact find what they’re looking for in their search for love—but a change of attitude is required.

I believe what people are longing for is a relationship they can come home to, a place where they are cared for, appreciated, valued for who they are. That very state is impossible to achieve when you’re looking for love.

First of all, how many definitions are there for the word love?

Let’s arbitrarily say there are eight million: if I have eight million definitions and you have eight million definitions (even if they’re the same eight million definitions), the chances we both mean the same thing when we say, “I love you” are one in 64 million!

The classic miscommunication between men and women illustrates this beautifully: as you were told in high school, men often use “love” to get sex, while women often use sex to get the relationship they’re looking for.

So the man says, “I love you,” hoping he’s going to get laid, and the woman says, “I love you,” meaning, “Finally, I found someone who’s going to take care of me and give me the relationship I’m looking for.”

Then, when the differences between the meanings of the same word emerge; there’s huge upset, disillusionment, accusations of lying and worse.

A second factor that assures love cannot bring you what you’re really looking for is the judgment inherent in the word love.

Can love actually exist without judgment?

The very use of the word evokes all the judgment that accompanies it; so much baggage from the movies, magazines, fairy tales, and family programming has been attached to it that our projections and expectations are overwhelming.

“But what about unconditional love?” some romantics ask.

First of all, have you ever actually experienced such a thing, as a recipient or even a witness?

Love that starts out being unconditional most often becomes quite conditional as soon as the loved one does something the lover doesn’t like, or doesn’t do something they required and expected.

If for no reason other than all that baggage, isn’t it time to step away from that word love?

What word would you use instead? How about gratitude?

With gratitude, there is no demand to change anything; gratitude for showing up as exactly who you are, for being in my life, right now.

When you have gratitude for the person you love, you actually are giving them what most everyone is looking for in relationship: that sense of being valued and cherished for exactly who they are, without the requirement that they change or be anything other than their true selves.

Would you be willing to give that gift to those you care about?

Dr. Kacie Crisp has been watching relationships since she played house with her Barbie dolls in a corner of her closet. She’s been happily married to her husband, David Caddy, for 27 years and is the author of The Little Black Book of Relationships, a book full of everyday examples of how to create a relationship that’s easy and fun. Check out her website for more info.

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Assistant Ed: Olivia Gray/Ed: Bryonie Wise