My name is Kimberly and I love Ashtanga yoga.

It’s been my primary practice for nearly a dozen years. Over the years, I have tried to quit or at least take a break from it, but I always come back. I know I am not alone.

A lot of people on elephant journal and other sites have written about their love of Asthanga. However, I am a little different for you see, Ashtanga does not love me; I do not have the “right” body for it.

I am actually not very good at it either.

Until recently I was in deep denial over this. Then, I had an epiphany recently when my regular Mysore teacher was away, and there was a sub in her place. The sub was good—excellent in fact—and gently pointed out that I was doing a number of the poses incorrectly.

It was helpful, though somewhat embarrassing. Then came the question: “How long had I been doing this?”

“Almost 12 years,” was the reply.

“Oh,” the look of shock on her face was evident.

“Yeah,” I said. “I am not progressing.”

Ever the kind and gentle teacher, she informed me that my practice was fine. However, I thought about that experience throughout the day.

It was true; I had not actually made any progress in years. Unlike many other practitioners, ones who had been practicing far less than I had, I never got a single Second Series pose. My body had known what my mind had been denying for a long time: I probably will never master the Primary Series, let alone advance onto the Second.

The revelation was hard to swallow and I experienced the classic stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining and depression.

I haven’t yet gotten to acceptance, but I think it will come in time.

All joking aside, I do love Ashtanga. I am sometimes frustrated by it and upset at myself. (And I sometimes think that if only I had the diligence and practiced six days a week, I would be making progress. However, life—having a preschooler, my job, etc.—get in the way of sticking to this schedule.)

The founder of Ashtanga, Pattabhi Jois, famously said that Ashtanga “is for all people: old people, young people, fat people, skinny people—only not lazy people.” He was right. It is.