Blue Ocean Floor

These are the reasons I know you don’t love me. These are the reasons why I have disappeared. These are the reasons why I know in my gut that you don’t care.

You forgot my birthday.

You slept with someone else the morning we slept together. Untangling my body from you that night was painful. It was more painful walking back towards you, when you didn’t chase me.

I didn’t hear from you when I graduated from college. I glanced at my phone, hoping you had a glimpse of what an important day it was. But no, you were drowning in your selfishness.

Every time I’m with you, there is always another woman calling or trying to reach you.

I was always one of many.

When a disappointed expression would mask my face, you would always say it all depended on my expectations. You did not understand the depth of not only my expectations, but hope. Hope that one day we would look in the mirror and realize we have aged, together, underneath the sycamore.

That feeling of heart in my stomach, time-stopping pain has happened more times than I can bear. Silence takes over me, as if I were the only one on the bottom of the blue ocean floor. Gazing up at you, as if you were the only one above the sea, depriving me of my oxygen.

You never ceased contact with your ex-girlfriend. Now she is having your child.

There are no words to express how I know that I will never again hold your hand. Run my fingers through your dark brown hair, and smell the sea on your skin from your morning surf. I will never again lie next to you and feel like you were my only home.

I gave you chances upon chances to fight for me. To tell me I was the one for you, but now I am uncertain you are capable of loving, truly loving another being.

Until my breath leaves this body I have been given, I will always be waiting for you. Until my body turns to ash and I rise again, only then will I continue my search for you. I do love you. You were my one exception.

At least in this lifetime, I am free.

Candace Rivera is a freelance writer living in Southern California. She’s passionate about writing, yoga, and traveling. Force her to be spontaneous, and she will love you. Give her privacy when needed, she will love you even more. Candace tries to find the silver lining in any situation, especially when it comes to dating. Read more of her published work at www.candacerivera.wordpress.com.

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Assistant Ed. Caroline Scherer/Ed: Kate Bartolotta

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