A friend recently asked me, “How can we love so deeply and it so not be right?”

My initial thought was “Girl, you sure did pick the right person to ask this question to.” It certainly feels like I have a PhD in this lesson from the School of Life.

I know now that when we love the wrong people the right way, it is because we don’t love ourselves enough. We don’t value ourselves enough. We don’t saturate ourselves completely in practices of self-love and self-worth, allowing for a lack of boundaries in our life.

Boundaries. Oh, boundaries. Or should I say, lack of boundaries.

How I know thee well.

I spent years loving so deeply and it was so not right. The partnership was constrictive, demeaning, and small. I spent the majority of the time defending myself and trying to “make my partner see” this amazing, brilliant, sparkling human that was standing there before him. But the thing is, I didn’t even see this amazing, brilliant, sparkling human standing there before me. Within me. How could someone else?

And for years I just didn’t get it.

Weren’t we taught somewhere along the line that love is enough?

After years of commitment to heart opening work, I realize now, that simply loving someone else isn’t enough. We have to love ourselves and value our worth to really call into our lives this great love that we so often talk about and strive for. By doing so, we allow ourselves the opportunity to draw clear boundaries of who and what we will and will not accept in our lives.

We have to learn how to say no, so that we can say yes.

I have learned to say no to conditional love, insecure love, jealous love and love that tries to control and manipulate. I was able to do this because I spent countless hours falling in love with myself and getting to know my nooks and crannies.

Creating this boundary has allowed me to say yes to love that honors my authenticity, my quirks, my gifts, and my unique role in this world. By creating a clear boundary of the type of love that I am worth I create the possibility to welcome this love into my heart.

Of course this is still a living, breathing process for me but I know as long as I have the practice alive of loving myself and honoring myself, I will love the right people, the right way.

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Asst. Editor: Kristina Peterson/Ed: Sara Crolick

{Photo: via Pinterest}