The reason I have stubborn belly fat isn’t because I’m a woman of a certain age, or because I enjoy a glass of wine, not to mention a vodka martini, or a humongous bowl of ice cream every now and then; the reason is, I majored in English.

I knew I should have paid attention in chemistry class.

I bought this magazine that has Lisa Rinna on the cover as an example of a 50-year-old woman who has no belly fat and tons of energy. It is part of my research for an upcoming book on how to live strong and healthy after 50, which means I can write this off my taxes.

According to Lisa, who has no belly fat (actually, no fat whatsoever), she is skinny because she is gluten-free and practices yoga.

OMG. If one more person tells me to try yoga, I’m going to scream.

Then I turn just a few pages ahead and there is another woman who has lost 208 pounds by balancing her pH levels. This is for reals; there is a new Alkaline diet. You can add this to the Grapefruit, Atkins, South Beach and Suzanne Somer diets.

I’m going to have to quote directly from the article, because I don’t know WTF  they are talking about:

“The biological reactions involved in metabolizing processed foods and breaking down toxins so they can be eliminated from the body create acidic by-products that shift the body’s pH balance.”

Okaaaaaay.

In plain English (because I was an English major), the foods that make us the fattest include pickles, prunes, peanuts and pecans (I liked the alliteration). Also on the list is Splenda (when I die, do not even bother to do an autopsy because I will have died from Splenda). Beer is on there, and so are chicken, cottage cheese and peanut butter. That is basically my entire diet.

The good foods high in alkaline compounds that neutralize toxic acids (again, I am quoting) include lima beans, amaranth, stevia and lemon water.

This explains a lot. The last time I ate a delicious amaranth-anything was, well, there probably wasn’t a last time. Instead, I am going to have a bowl of pickles and ice cream. Wait a minute? Maybe this explains my belly fat?

(Author’s Note: This article is meant to lighten your day, not your waistline. I actually have very high self-esteem, I do not tie my self-worth to the size of my stomach, and I would never, ever, hurt a kitten. I also practice yoga #everydamnday. Thank you.)

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