I thought I was strong.

I soaked in all the positivity I could absorb in the depths of my darkness.

I consulted coaches who told me that I should keep pressing on in the midst of these obstacles and that I was strong.

They couldn’t see what I could feel.

I thought I was strong even when my body first started showing signs of crippling illness.

I had a show to run.

But I was on autopilot and running on the will of my mind.

If I stopped, my show would stop. It had not come to my attention that there was another show in town.

I persevered, I dragged my heavy body around all the while a storm was brewing up inside.

I turned to doctors, I turned to my circle. But they couldn’t see me through the window.

I was in the storm and now, I desperately needed to be strong.

I soon found out how weak I really was not only on the outside but from the inside.

I collapsed in one big flood of illness after illness.

How could you withstand the storm if you’re not there to face it? I had hid away so deep from previous storms that I needed to call myself out.

Otherwise, I would be blown away.

I was forced to see that what I thought was strength was a smokescreen for reality.

Reality was illusory.

It’s better to be weak than feign strength. It’s better to face the facts straight up.

We are programmed to think of weakness as well, a weakness.

I like to use the word gentle instead.

Be gentle with yourself. Affirming what you want helps most when it’s within your grasp already— when your mind can understand.

Otherwise, you’ll push yourself to be tough and all hell will break loose.

That is, you via your mind.

You can control your thoughts or you can be controlled by your thoughts.

You know that already.

You can allow your soul to guide you.

That way, in both your gentle moments and your times of strength, all is under control.

But first, you must face the truth even if reality is illusory.

Even if it’s not what you want to see or hear or think.

If there is anything I know about strength, herein it lies, served up with a silver platter of courage.

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Assist Ed: Kathleen O’Hagan/Ed: Sara Crolick