If kale were a woman, she’d be a real broad.

Kind of like Gina Gershon in ‘Bound’ (with her sidekick Jennifer Tilly, aka Baby Arugula; a dainty but surprisingly spicy game changer).

She’s tenacious unless treated properly, wears steel toed boots, drives a truck and sports tattoos of root vegetables and vintage farm equipment.

She would never associate with Iceberg lettuce, (the Brittany Spears of leafy greens), or pre-mixed, pre-bagged “salads” which require nothing more than a pair of scissors to dump the whole mess into a BPA laced bowl.

Nor would she have much patience for edible flowers, hybrids of any kind, hydroponics, or other “baby greens” (Arugula notwithstanding), simply because, as she would say, “Anytime things get too fancy, someone’s trying to scam you.”

She would avoid discussing her past, (especially that time she was caught harboring illegal plants on a little farm down south), but would be absolutely trustworthy. People might call her a bitch, and sometimes they’d be right. But who cares? She’s got your back, babe.

She’ll be tough, she’ll be tender, she’ll be all yours. Here’s how:

Healing Potato Soup

(This is the soup I make for myself or my friends when we are ailing. The vegan answer to chicken noodle, it’s possible to eat this under the worst of circumstances. The kale and potatoes become as soft and gentle as a mother’s touch. Also, because it’s mainly made with pantry items, you might not have to run to the store in those disgusting PJ’s you’ve had on since you got the flu to make it. In a pinch, leave out the kale, but don’t tell her I said so. She’ll kick my ass; see above.)

3-4 baking potatoes, scrubbed, sliced in half lengthwise and then sliced thinly all the way down

1/2 to 1 whole bag pre-washed kale or 5 cups kale washed, trimmed (tough stems removed) and cut into palm sized pieces

6 cloves garlic, chopped

1 large onion or two small, chopped

2 quarts vegetable broth plus extra water if needed

2 tsp caraway seeds

1 bay leaf

1 tbl olive oil

sea salt and fresh cracked pepper to taste

Saute onions and garlic in olive oil with a pinch of salt until soft, 3-5 minutes. Add everything else except kale and bring to boil. Cook on medium five minutes. Add kale, lower heat slightly if water is boiling, cook another ten minutes stirring occasionally. Add more water if needed. Soup is done when potatoes are soft and falling apart. Serve with a nice crusty bread for dipping if desired.

Kale Chips

(I see kale chips in stores for insane prices with lots of added ingredients, and have even, in a moment of weakness, bought a bag. Yuck! These fresh chips are so much better, and so easy, it’s just ridiculous not to make them yourself.)

1 bunch fresh kale. Rinse, dry and then tear the leaves off the rough stems into bite sized pieces, discarding stems.

1 tbl olive oil

salt and fresh cracked pepper

Heat oven to 350. Arrange kale leaves on a baking sheet, drizzle with olive oil, and massage oil into the leaves as thoroughly as you can. Make sure kale is in a single layer. Use two baking sheets if need be. Season to taste. Bake ten to fifteen minutes until kale is crispy but not burned.

Kale and Walnut Pesto 

(This is a pesto with some guts. It goes beautifully with grilled portobello mushrooms, roasted veggies, or steamed or baked potatoes and is a simple way to dandy up your dinner in three minutes or less.)

2 cups loosely packed fresh, washed kale

1/4 walnuts

1/4 olive oil

1/4 cup water

6 garlic cloves, peeled

juice of one lemon or 1 tbl apple cider vinegar

sea salt and fresh cracked pepper to taste

Toss all ingredients in a food processor and mix until smooth. Add more water for smoother, thinner consistency if desired.

Cook your kale with attitude. You’re hanging with the big girls now!

Like elephant food on Facebook.

Ed: Bryonie Wise