Seven Things (our Ego tells us) to do when we’re Having a Bad Day.

Stressed out? Don’t engage in maitri. Instead, dwell in self-pity or anger. Drink. Pick your zits. Jerk off. Overeat. Stay in doors. Engage in self-hate, or hurt others.

1. You could not take things personally, or focus on the end result…but no. Fuck that. Time to take things personally, and lose sight of the point of everything. Instead, act like a petulant child. The world’s against You.

2. Stressed? Don’t exercise—don’t breathe deeply—react out of irritation, fear, anger and speediness. React, react, react. Create drama—that always helps.

3. Blame. You could accept the blame, even if it’s not yours, be big about things and get back to solving the issue at hand…but no. Blame others, that works like a charm.

4. Go outside, cry, jump in a hot tub or pool, eat some real food sitting down….nah. Smoke. While surfing your smartphone. Or drink. Or eat emotionally. Or watch some stupid TV and zone it all out. That’s how all the greats throughout history handled their moodiness, right? Gandhi, Winston, Einstein…they all had both Netflix Streaming and the 3 DVD plan at a time.

5. Talk with friends? Connect with community? Fuck friends, they’re all jerks. Fuck community. Instead, yell at others. Hit others. Or at least slam doors. Grit your teeth. Say and type fuck a lot. USE ALL CAPS.

6. Take a break. Do less, not more. Don’t do anything rash. Or, quit! Fire someone! Break up! Argue! Even if you know you’re wrong, do not give up!

7. Here’s the thing: we do things that aren’t healthy and dig ourselves in deeper when we’re stressed. So pause. Do something different. Move. Exercise. Meditate. Try a simple inversion or heart opener. Hah, just kidding, jerkface: go pick on someone or something smaller or different than You.

Some folks are grateful that the thorn bush has roses. Instead, be pissed off that the roses have thorns. Life is half empty, and then you die. Best to collect the most toys, and seek the most pleasure, along the way.

That line of thinking, after all, is what simple-minded selfishness is made of.

True selfishness, of course, is thinking about the welfare of others, and our planet, and ourselves—all three, together. Because the universe is interconnected, and so are its laws.

So be a rebel: fight the universe, and see who wins out. I bet it’s You.