Out of a desire to synthesize some of the Top Five lists floating around out there—as abundant as they are helpful—I have compiled my own list of the top five reasons to avoid everything in life.

1. Don’t eat or drink anything! 

New studies show that almond flour gives us AIDS, soy contributes to ADD, and wheat will kill us stone-dead in a single bite. Beef is lousy, laden with hormones and, come to think of it, so is tap water. Beans will bloat us, and rice will make us fat.

If we absolutely must eat, say the experts, eat naturally fallen fruit dried in pure sunshine. If we must drink, limit it to Hawaiian rainwater collected in an organic glass blown by an enlightened individual. Most experts, however, urge that eating and drinking should be avoided when at all possible.

2. Don’t breathe the air around you!

Linked to myriad health concerns, from lung cancer and emphysema to eczema and bulimia, experts attest that the air we breath is just barely better than getting down on your knees and sucking on the tailpipe of a ’57 Chevy.

If we must breath, experts agree, sip 100 percent pure oxygen sparingly from tanks made of young cedar planks. This particular wood has been shown to have properties that actually make pure air better for us and better tasting. If we run out of oxygen, acceptable substitutes include collecting the exhaled-breath of an angel and recycling the hot air expelled from our own anus.

3. Don’t associate with people!

In a recent study, other people have been shown to be the single most significant source of unpleasantness in life. From unhappiness to outright hostility, experts observed people causing each other a whole host of negative emotions including stress and shame in recent controlled experiments.

The data is straightforward: from mother to best-friend, avoid associating with others if we wish to be happy in life.

4. Don’t do yoga!

According to a recent survey, yoga will wreck our necks, backs, shoulders, wrists, hips, spine and something called the “ischial tuberosity.” New research also suggests that yoga will ruin our love lives, personal lives, work lives and after-lives.

Yoga has been shown to make us skinnier and fatter, as well as stronger and weaker. While no conclusive studies yet exist that link yoga to the premature graying of our pony-tails, I can personally attest to this unfortunate, unintended consequence of my personal practice.

5. Don’t do anything anyone else tells you to!

Listen, life ain’t out to get you—it ends the same way for all of us. Take some responsibility. Stop letting lists tell us what we “should” and “shouldn’t” do, and stop letting fear dictate what we eat for dinner or who we fuck afterwards.

Don’t do anything anyone else tells us to…especially an article online, especially the newest and greatest fad, and especially, for god’s sakes, the words of an expert-lunatic like me.

 

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Asisst. Ed: Jane Henderling/ Ed: Sara Crolick