This is my new mantra.

At least, I want it to be. Forever.

But, what does that even mean? We grow and shift so much that what we want can change from moment to moment.  We live so many different realities in this precious physical existence.

But right now, I want this to be my new mantra.

In strong moments, this is the mantra that I will adopt. Or it will adopt me. I am somehow up for adoption. At some point in my life—before the murder attempt, or before I can even remember, or maybe it was after the anxiety attacks—I put myself up for adoption. With desperation the search began—meditation, yoga, reiki, therapy…

Healing. I wanted healing.

No, I didn’t just want it. I needed it. Need is different than desire. Desire sounds sexy and there’s an allure in the word alone. Necessity, needing something, is Sexy’s ugly cousin. It signals desperation, disempowerment, and is a true sign that we’ve forgotten that all we ever need is inside of us—that we are pure, undiluted joy.

Nonetheless, at some point, I was in need.

I sought healing of the mind. I wanted to adopt a new mode of thinking; a new gauge system, in which I could check in with my never-ending source of undiluted love. I wanted it to adopt me—seeking me just as I was seeking it.

Adoption is never by accident. It’s always on purpose. I wanted something that I did to be on purpose. And I wanted something to purposefully seek me—something healthy and green. I sought something that was strong enough to lift me up from the dirty conditions of my mind, of my actions, or non-actions.

They never seem dirty at the time, do they? Our minds are so clever at dressing up the tattered; gluing the cracks together with justifications and excuses until they sparkle like new.

We make choices and we walk different paths, feeling that we are loving ourselves. Our gauge system sometimes fails somewhere along the way. But we always know the truth. As we walk a path, we occasionally look back and realize all the flowers have wilted, the land is baron and thirsty. The glue has lost its grip and the path begins to crack open.

So, we cross over.

A new path emerges, or we willed it to exist, or we are walking someone else’s, but we adopt it, or it adopts us.

Suddenly, the road ahead seems long and we feel as if we’re walking under water. Our own voice becomes muffled, and it’s hard to breathe. That feeling bubbles up in our gut. We know what it means—we’re not loving ourselves.

We’re all trying to experience love, but it can elude us because we aren’t loving ourselves. We’re looking outside of ourselves for love. Drugs lay a warm blanket over us, and lift us to euphoria. We all try them, don’t we? Are we loving ourselves to seek connection that is artificially induced? Maybe.

A shift in perspective occurs.

We suddenly feel love and realize we’re not such a big deal. Nothing is a big deal. We are so minute in this vast universe. We touch the trees and they touch back, comforting us.  They were here first and they’ve seen us evolve and devolve. Anything that is not love is rejected by us in this state, and we only see love in our surroundings. Even cars look out of place.

They are not love; they are matter created by man and something in this existence leads us to believe that they…matter.

In our state of euphoria we see. A veil is lifted and we see that they almost seem silly and out of place. Our minds have expanded, never to go back to their former proportions. They do not. That path has been walked in this attempt at healing.

So here we are with expanded minds; the afterglow gone. The path to healing still unclear.

So we ask:

What would someone who loves herself do?

When the decisions arise, when the emotions bubble up and we’re not in control…

What would someone who loves herself do?

Let’s face it, sometimes we want to stew. We want to swim in those juices of anger and insult, take a dive in our resentment, and past mistakes. Sometimes, we want to play the sad music that carves us open—and articles about positivity make us want to puke or at least roll our eyes.

Some things are not positive. Turn your mess into your message? Maybe tomorrow. Today I will post “keep your temper, caterpillar.”

On these days, I need to remember my mantra:

What would someone who loves herself do?

She would turn the other cheek.

She would eat healthy, get off the couch and take that yoga class; surround herself with people that breathe life into her being in a real way.

She would stop blaming, and start seeing. She would not judge herself so harshly.

Someone who loves herself would stop criticizing her appearance, and comparing, and wouldn’t dare accept treatment from others that insults her soul.

Someone who loves herself will say “no”.

Someone who loves herself knows when to walk away, when to see the love right in front of her, and can recognize the gifts in the ordinary.

We always know the answer. Always. Our gauge system is never broken. We can ignore the alarms, the gut feelings…

But, the pain is our signal. Maybe we need to learn to ask better questions.

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Assistant Ed. Paige Vignola/Ed: Bryonie Wise