You must have had Satori by now, right?

It’s getting so easy to reach Satori these days that it’s getting harder and harder to find good excuses not to make it to the zendo in order to reach the ultimate climax.

Whatever you think of Satori: getting excited, smiling, dancing and being in love with the universe, it will be 10 times better in real life if you could just get off your butt and get on your butt.

So what’s your excuse this week?

Too many kids, too much work, too many addictions, too many “issues”?

Well, perhaps the problem is with your zazen. Maybe if your zazen were a just a little bit more exciting, it could add just the right spice to push you over the hump and into nirvana!

So here are 10 of the most exciting ways we have discovered to tweak your zazen to make it more revealing and appealing.

1. Try drinking espresso just before you enter the zendo.

2. Put tiger balm on your zafu.

3. Try sitting without any underwear.

4. Read an erotic novel just before you sit.

5. Pay yourself $5 every time you make it to zazen.

6. Invite someone to whom you’re attracted to sit with you.

7. Sit blindfolded.

8. Try a vibrating zafu.

9. Hit the happy hour oyster bar on your way in.

10. Read some Dogen and then do zazen sitting “on” the Shobogenzo.

Now you know the trade secrets for getting here-now even faster, so don’t waste you time by night or day!

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Assistant Editor: Gabriela Magana / Editor: Catherine Monkman