“Sensual pleasures are like soap bubbles, sparkling, effervescent. The pleasures of intellect are calm, beautiful, sublime, ever enduring and climbing upward to the borders of the unseen world.”

~ John H. Aughey

I have been struggling with the possibility of writing about sex and I just can’t go there.

I have teen children and a husband who is a very private person, and whom I respect greatly. And, I am also very private about this part of my life as well.

So, I have decided to write about some of the expressions of love that make me feel really close to my husband (and even some that apply to friends and family), which have nothing to do with sex. And believe me when I say that I believe these sensual experiences are what almost every woman (and possibly man) secretly or not-so secretly desires and needs in a relationship much more than sex.

So here it is: 10 Ways to be Sensual Without Being Sexual:

1. Being Private about One’s Sex Life.

No one wants intimate details of their sex life spread around in rumor fashion—be it oral, written, or through any other method. My husband and I have mutual respect for each other in this part of our relationship. It is no one else’s business!

2. Snuggling

Who doesn’t love a great snuggle session? I know I do!  Sometimes it is just holding one another and other times it is when we are merely watching television and I have my head on his lap.

I think this may just be one of the most important signs of true love.

I am not judging anyone who has had one, but people who are after a one night stand or are in a relationship with you for reasons other than love are probably not going to hold you all night.

3. Having My Hair Brushed or Played with.

I love it when my husband plays with my hair with his hands or uses a brush on it. This is something that makes me feel so good and relaxes me down to the core of my being.

4. Getting Tickles.

By this I do not mean torturous, hold-me-down tickles—I hate those! By this I mean being nice to me by lightly touching my face, back, arms, or hands.

Often my husband does this if I can’t fall asleep and it works every time even though I say it won’t. Guess he must know me better than I know myself in some ways.

To be truthful, I have always traded tickles with good friends and my sister too! When we were young, we even went so far as to use a timer to trade off who’s turn it was!

5. Holding Hands.

This seemingly little display of affection can go a long way. If we are taking a walk, watching a movie, eating out, or simply sitting on the couch this can be so comforting to me. I feel attached to my love in a way that I am okay with in public. (Like I said, we are private people.)

I’ll never forget holding hands on my husband-to-be parent’s couch and his father asking if my hands were cold. Of course I told him that they were freezing, and I think he got a kick out of my answer and respected me a little more that day that I stood up to him!

6. Kissing.

Who could leave out kissing? A short hello or goodbye kiss or a longer one that might just lead to something more. Kissing is an art form all in itself. A kiss with a slow build up or just a small kiss that leaves you wanting more—either are nice. And I will say no more, as I promised I was not going to talk about sex. Instead, I offer this quote and leave it to  your imagination:

Kissing is like drinking salted water. You drink, and your thirst increases. ~ Chinese Proverb

7. Direct Eye Contact.

Eye contact is something that most of us know about but the effects are hard to put into words. There is nothing more appealing than seeing the person you love looking directly into your eyes while you talk with one another or just be.

This tells me that the other person has a vested interest in what I am saying and is really listening to me or being there for me.

8. Love Letters.

Okay, my husband admittedly once gave me a birthday card that had a monkey on the front with a firecracker in its butt that said, “Have a blast on your birthday.” I will never forget that awful card and neither will he! I think I even cried when I opened it. Let’s just say that it never happened again.

In my opinion, a much better option than sending an e-card or letting Hallmark say what you are thinking is to buy a blank card and to write your own words in it. Better yet—make a card!

I can’t tell you how special it makes me feel to see actual hand writing inside of a card these days. I have saved every written letter and card that I have received since I was seven years-old. Really. It means that much to me!

9. Being there for Me When I Need Someone to Listen.

I know what they say about men being able to tolerate fewer words per day than women, but talking is such a turn on—somebody who cares about my thoughts, dreams, hopes, problems, and desires. Yep—this is a biggie for me as well.

When we are in a relationship, shouldn’t we all be able to speak candidly to the person who we are choosing to spend much (or most) of our time with? I would think so.

This one works in another way too. Sometimes, I just need a hug or someone to hold me and no words need to be exchanged to understand where they are coming from. Hopefully, your partner just ‘gets’ you in this way.

10. Telling the Truth.

“The profoundest of all sensualities is the sense of truth and the next deepest sensual experience is the sense of justice.” ~ D.H. Lawrence

You would think this would be obvious, but it unfortunately doesn’t always work out that way for everyone at all times. Everyone deserves the truth and owes it to their mate to tell the truth.

There is nothing less disheartening than finding out that someone has lied to you. Don’t be that person. Enough said.

And I want  to leave you with this thoughtful quote that really sums all of the above up:

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep…wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you….The one who turns to his friends and says, ‘that’s her.'”

~ Chuck Palahniuk

 

Relephant reads:

Can We Be Lovers & Not Have Sex?

6 Ways to Have Radically Intimate Sex.

Platonic Sensual Touch: Put Your Hands on Me. 

Bonus! Enlighten your sex life—it deserves it:

 

Love elephant and want to go steady?

Sign up for our (curated) daily and weekly newsletters!

 

Editor: Bryonie Wise

Photo: elephant archives