People all over the world are reacting with shock, disbelief and relief at last week’s announcement that the New Age has decided to go into retirement.

“Was it something we did?” sobbed Rainbowchild Dewdrop Flower into her organic coconut milk chai, outside her tipi here in Nevada County, California. “Did we not chant fervently enough? Were our prayer flags not plentiful enough? Were our affirmations too predictable and clichéd?”

In fact, the New Age came of age in the late 60s, and, just like many other baby boomers, is ready to collect Social Security and retire to Florida. The New Age has just gotten old, that’s all. Ol’ New Age plans to live out the rest of its years hanging out in all-you-can-eat steak and shrimp bars, and drinking margaritas during Happy Hour.

“I’ve been in this gig way too long, bro,” said New Age recently to a close confidante. “Heck, even my inner child is married with kids and a dog and sh*t now. I tell ya, I’ve eaten enough tofu and sprouts and worn enough tie-dye for one lifetime. I deserve to live out the rest of my days in peace. Nah, forget peace. I’m ready to be loud and gross.”

So how does the announcement of New Age’s retirement affect the average recovering hippie, like you or me?

Here is a handy guide to how last week’s announcement might affect your daily routine:

1.  Moving forward, “Howerya doin,” “Aloha,” “ Wazzup dawg,” “How do you do?” and  “Namaste” are all considered to be equally reverential greetings.

2.  If you’ve been living on a diet of brown rice, seaweed, Bragg’s Amino Acid and coconut water, the word’s out, you can relax now. New scientific studies reveal that even eating recycled cardboard can be good for your health, if you stop worrying and eat what is in front of you with gratitude.

3.  If you’ve spent years trying to manifest “prosperity,” “abundance,” or “financial freedom,” the game plan has officially changed. More than 2 billion people live on less than a dollar a day. So if you are a lucky dog, with a warm place to sleep, food to eat and friends around you, the next step is to think about how to help other people.

4.  If you’ve been channeling Archangel Michael, the Pleiades or Elvis, its time to cut it out. From here forward your responsibility is simply to connect the words that come out of your mouth with the thoughts and feelings that are passing inside of you. Codeword: honesty. (Known to lead to intimacy.)

5.  If you spent the last several decades immersed in the traditions and religion of a culture other than the one into which you were born, its time to get back to your roots. For example, for many of us the Lord’s prayer, Psalm 23, or Shakespeare may be worth a revisit. If you are Jewish, call your mother.

6. If you’ve been collecting eagle feathers, owl feathers or rabbits’ feet, please return them immediately. Word on the street is that the eagles are getting chilly and pissed off.

7. If you are entertaining hopes of getting chummy with visitors on a UFO, fuggedaboutit.  A recent survey of 1,037 randomly selected aliens asked who they would be most likely to visit if wanting more contact with human beings. From the multiple-choice options, 63 percent selected Nobel prize-winning scientists, 19 percent selected elected leaders of nations, 17 percent chose leaders of indigenous peoples and one percent selected people holding hands and humming.

8. If you’ve developed a fondness for spending time with people of a “high vibration,” or have been avoiding people with “negative energy,” this will no longer be necessary. Your mission on earth will be accomplished here by paying close attention to whomever happens to be right in front of you.

9. If you’ve been collecting crystals or other sacred objects, you can expand your horizons. With the retirement of the New Age, any object whatsoever will become immediately sacred when you look at it with fresh eyes.

10. Most important: listen up, people. If you’ve been participating in drumming circles after 10 p.m. within a mile of anyone trying to sleep, please stop. Please, please, I beg you please, stop. It’s 2 o’clock in the f***ing morning, dude.

Of course, everyone has unanswered questions about what comes next. We’ve got space just for a few of them here.

Question:  Does this mean I can get a refund on my aura-balancing organic chi enhancer, attuned to dolphin mating sounds?

Answer: No.

Question: So who is in fact the true Avatar come to save planet Earth?

Answer: You are. Splash some cold water on your face and get busy.

Question: Now that the New Age is officially over, what is the next evolutionary step for humanity?

Answer: Sanity.

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Assistant Editor: Michelle Margaret
Photo: Wikimedia Commons