Bittersweet

How old is one who finally understands the term bittersweet?

Does one ever truly get it?

Or does bittersweet finally take on meaning just as one takes their final breath?

The meaning grows deeper each year as my life passes me by

A traumatic childhood that is still hard to shake

A first time broken heart and realizing that he was not the one

The wedding with my true love and a shortened honeymoon due to my beloved grandmother’s devastating stroke

My beautiful, healthy child born and home for the first night and knowing that this was one bad idea

Being cured by a nap and in love with my newborn son once again the next day

Two more children with the same feelings

Losing touch with my much adored husband as ‘life’ gets in the way

Yearning for the sweet taste of a first kiss with someone new

But then feeling the sting of guilt for having had the thought when I am so in love already

I am human

My thoughts and yearnings evidently as bittersweet as my life

Children growing up and realizing that they won’t be under my roof forever or even much longer

Why didn’t I do more with them?

Spend more of my time with them?

Or cook them better meals?

Even if they were happy with TV and PB&J on many days?

Looking in the mirror at 44 years & thinking that half of my life is gone

18 years of marriage

So long and difficult, yet so short and sweet and quickly passing in the blink of an eye

It will all end someday, somehow

I don’t always like to think about the how, but it makes me grateful for what has been thus far

Yes, life is sweet. . .

At least the brilliant components:

The laughs, smiles, friends, children, lovemaking, kisses, successes

My favorite sunny warm, yet crisp breezed, serene days. . .

Living has been eventful and good and bad all at once so far

But I could have done better

Thinking about ‘the end’ more and if it will have all been worth it

And what type of stamp I will leave upon this earth

Life is sweet at times, but have I done enough?

Will I do and be enough for those I will leave behind when my days are over?

No, life is bitter. . .

Depression

Dark days spent in bed frozen in fear

Unable to move, lest I shatter completely beyond superglue repair

Beloved people leaving my life or dying on purpose by their own hand

Yes, bittersweet means more and more each year

It is my life’s theme word

I wish to have more days to understand this word, this concept, more fully

A new year bittersweetly starts

Just as the past year bittersweetly passes away

Like people I have loved

I wish to travel more

See the good and the bad

Be moved to laughter and to tears

Soak up more of this bittersweet earth

And it’s bittersweet people

Especially the ones I love

Before I am called home to its rolling seas and fertile soils as bittersweet dust

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Editor: Bryonie Wise

Photo: elephant archives