Dear kale, I heard you’ve been recently divorced. I just want to let you know, I’m here for you.

A friendly, non-yoga police (but a little tongue-in-cheek) response to: Why Kale May Kill Us, So I’m Getting a Divorce.

I know, I know… You are fresh on the market (literally). That’s okay, I’m not looking for any big commitments. I just want to have a steamy evening with you every now and then. After all, too much of a good thing can be bad; variety is the spice of life.

Speaking of spice—I’d like to have you spiced. Lightly steamed with a little sea salt and cracked black pepper….  Mmmmm, I can almost taste your soft, tender leaves in my mouth. So good.

I like to mix it up though, kale. Let’s not fall into a rut; that’s how so many relationships go wrong. I will be honest and upfront with you, kale: some nights I like to have a little spinach. I also recently made acquaintances with the lovely swiss chard. I love a big, voluptuous leafy head of chard.

But I will always return to you, kale—

—thirsty for more, and eager to squeeze out every drop of the juices trapped inside you.

My insides quiver, anticipating all the rich vitamins and anti-oxidants you will deliver to me. I’m ready to receive you, kale. I’m ready to absorb every nutrient you have to offer me. My body craves your iron, calcium and vitamin C, K and A.

I want to feel you moving through me, kale. Your fiber, surging through my insides and helping me digest everything else I’ve consumed. Yeah, you keep me pure, kale. This is why I will return to you, again and again, even if we don’t see each other every day.

You’ll never be nasty or bitter to me, kale. I will steam you up, just enough to bring out the best in you. I will marvel at your intoxicating deep shades of green and savor your unique flavor on my tongue. I will incorporate you into new and exciting recipes. I will eat you soft or crunchy. I will swallow you with gusto.

I understand that you’re not compatible with everyone, kale, and that’s okay. It’s best to keep your distance from those you don’t mesh well with, and save your gifts for those who are able to accept them. I love what you have to offer me, kale. I want you inside me now, your glorious green nectar coursing through my insides. You satisfy me and give me strength.

So leave your past behind you, kale. The cruciferous type isn’t for everyone, but you are definitely my type.

I’m looking forward to a long and lasting relationship. I know just how to make things work—I will always keep things fresh.

Love elephant and want to go steady?

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Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photos: Courtesy of Author.