April 3, 2014 

The first time I felt something, anything at all after you died was when I jumped naked off the pier into the water four days after my surgery.

When I came up there was light, all around me. Glistening, sparkling, shining light. Diamonds, strewn across the surface of the ocean.

I had my first smile right then. I felt something and thought; I’m alive. In the light. I’m ok.

I’ve seen that light just a few more times after that moment. And today I saw it again.

We were late to the airport and when we got there they had closed the check-in. After begging and pleading they finally let us check in and I ran ahead through security. When I get there Dennis calls to tell me he won’t make it. His visa had expired and they wouldn’t let him through so neither him nor my bag could make it onto the plane. All of a sudden I am about to make an 18-hour trip to a country I have never been, all alone.

I travel alone all the time but since you died I feel so vulnerable I can’t be on my own.

I can’t go to the grocery store by myself, let alone fly across an entire continent. But now I had no choice.

And as I make my way to my seat I realize; Dennis has my wallet. With my credit card and all my money so not only am I alone but I am alone with no back up, no cash, no luggage, nothing at all. And I’m almost falling apart again when the steward comes up to me and says; “we’ve got your bag!! It’s on the plane!!” and the second after that someone else comes running with my wallet.

They held the plane at the gate to get it to me. And suddenly the plane takes off and I have no idea how or if Dennis is going to make it to Brazil but I’m in the air and I have my things and I’m alright.

I open my computer and for the first time since I came home I start reading the emails I’ve been sent about love and loss and loss and love and I realize; I am not alone.

Not even a little. I start to cry and I put my hand to my face and all of a sudden it’s there. The light. Glistening, shining, sparkling light. Diamonds glittering all over the airplane wall.

You. I am in the sky. Surrounded by your light. You are here leading the way.

Thank you for showing me the light in the most difficult moments.

Love elephant and want to go steady?

Sign up for our (curated) daily and weekly newsletters!

Editor: Renee Picard

Photos: courtesy Rachel Brathen