Warning: Naughty language ahead!

Job Description That Fits Me Perfectly.

In this sometimes cruel and possibly unfair world, we need a person who will be able to take on the responsibility of being herself in all situations. We are looking for the one person who knows this role better than anyone. She must live each moment like it’s her very last.

This person should not be perfect, but always strive for it anyway. She should be female, but enjoy not being too feminine. Her sense of humor ranges from silly to raunchy. Her vocabulary will regularly include “fuck” and “shit”, which don’t necessarily have negative connotations.

The two most significant roles in her life will entail being a wife and mother. Both of these roles scare her to death of “failing” while embracing the imperfections of both with a lot of humor. She will regularly be seen in her pajamas after lunch and doing yoga at midnight, when her son has finally fallen asleep.

This person must always have her hair messy, thinking it looks best when it is in its natural, out-of-bed state.

She must come off as unapproachable and serious but once you really know her, she is naturally goofy and loves to make people laugh.

Her qualifications must entail being almost impossible to embarrass, a horrible speller and able to bullshit her way through anything. She must have a passion for writing, but never know where to begin. Her love for animals, particularly dogs, is what must break her heart over and over again, reaching the depths of her soul.

As a mother, she must want her son to know she loves him unconditionally and would never leave him, for she will know first-hand the feeling of abandonment. She must want nothing more for him than to realize his passions in this life and live them out. When he is a baby, she must be willing to do anything to make him laugh because hearing him do that will make all her worries melt away and truly relish that moment in life.

She wouldn’t change being a mother for the world, but knows her calling lies in a far-away land that she will return to one day. There, she will feel home, one with herself even though it is the furthest thing to what she grew up knowing.

As a wife, she should always be in a rush without having anywhere to go. Her enthusiasm for sunny mornings will make her jump out of bed with a to-do list in hand. No day will be complete without having chocolate, homemade chai and honey.

This person must be willing to have the same thing for breakfast for years!

The ideal candidate will have passions that include: going for walks, reading inspirational blogs and yoga (or any other activity that gets her body moving), baking (although she must suck at it), and have an addiction to living in new countries.

We are looking for someone who is deeply Vata in nature, a true free spirit, who embraces people from all walks of life and all of their oddities without hesitation. In fact, someone who thrives on being different and accepting those differences in others.

Her upbringing must have been challenging, living modestly at best, on food stamps, the worst. She must have had experiences like living in a shelter for battered women and children and being molested at the age of five.

She should have experienced moving, doing it over 12 times in 10 years, including three schools. This experience should make her good at making friends, or at least be the reason she will not have many close ones going into college.

She should have had many loves in her life. Most will be short in nature, but deeply rooted and some will last for years and years, never fully leaving her heart. When it comes to love, this person should always follow her gut and will end up with a husband, which she never would have imagined, who loves her just how she needs to be loved.

Only those who meet all of the above qualifications, are encouraged to apply for the present opening, because you  are exactly where you need to be right now to move on to the next moment.

Also, a willingness to pee your pants laughing on a regular basis is encouraged.

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Apprentice Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock / Editor: Rachel Nussbaum

Photo: Scribbling Dame