Dr. Laura says that there is no such thing as unconditional relationship.

She states that the whole idea is ridiculous. There are always conditions she states without condition.

Dr Laura has been doing her radio talk-therapist show for over 40 years. She has influenced a lot of people with her fiery brand of no-nonsense advice. And while I don’t agree with her politics or fundamentalist views, I have to respect the caring and contribution. Her tough exterior shadows a competent, committed lover of people. She is often wrong but never in doubt.

I think Dr Laura is wrong about the term “unconditional.” She thinks there is no such thing. I think that Unconditional is what makes great sex possible, and the relationship world go round.

The road to unconditional isn’t reasonable or logical. The first step though may be developing a witness—because as a witness, you react less often to conditions inspiring a less conditional moment.

Your Witness

Many spiritual practices suggest and support developing a witness consciousness.

This witness allows you to observe yourself. It reminds you to observe instead of react and to embrace instead of resist.

Cultivating an inner witness will also provide powerful perspectives when the going gets tough. It offers you a spiritual entry way to maturity and growing up. By all means, cultivate a witness. An example of a witness would be Dr. Laura actually listening to herself. If she could hear the edgy tone of voice, if she could feel her own frustration and impatience, then her compassion might blossom and she wouldn’t have to pretend to be so darned tough.

An inner witness gives you the breathing room and perspective that you need when the going gets tough.

But you have to cultivate it. Especially when you aren’t under pressure. While you may be inspired to fix the hole in the roof when it is raining, it is usually easier to make the repair when the weather is fair. The witness offers maturity in the form of the knowledge that it will rain again.

Cultivating the inner witness is a vital aspect of spiritual work and growing up.

Developing an inner witness is vital. But then letting go of that inner witness and associating fully without a witness is the next step.

Witnesses don’t work in the bedroom. They result in sex with buffers. Two witnesses having sex is a bit like nobody having sex.

The witness provides perspective, and while you are having sex, you don’t need perspective. The opposite of the witness is investing totally in your physical sensations. I call this associating.

Sensations and Unconditional Sex

The witness has a “meta-perspective.” It offers distance and the ability to observe without bias. That is exactly what you don’t need during sex. During the best sex, instead of adopting the observer posture, step into yourself. Feel every little nuance of your body. Send your mind on vacation, and wallow in your body. Let the “if…then” world of conditions melt away. Open to all there is to feel.

Get carried away to a place of profound sensation: both pleasure and pain. This place is your body. Feel. Total association—identification with the sensations—offers unconditional sensations and unconditional sex.

Such surrender may at first feel a bit like death. Sensations inspire you to let go of all the rationalizing, reasoning and conditions that are so much a part of daily life. But once you let go, you will discover that your body knows just what to do.

Many people melt into their bodies during orgasm but you don’t have to wait for orgasm to fully associate with sensation. You can do it anytime. You can do it when feeling a breeze on your face or the sun or your back or hearing your lovers voice or sliding between fresh, clean sheets.

Cultivate the witness so that you will have powerful perspective in tough times. But then let go of that witness and fully associate. Embrace your body so that you can embrace everything: living and loving unconditionally.

Alternating attention between mind and body will nurture who you really are. It will inspire intimacy and self-expression.

Bonus video:

Relephant:

Making Sex Sacred: 7 Steps to Sensual Bliss  

Love elephant and want to go steady?

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Apprentice Editor: Hannah Harris/Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: Pixoto