Well, in the interests of saying I really have tried everything in my quest for love, I have added a little flame to my phone.

Yes, Tinder. And it’s pretty new, so I can’t give “how to meet the man of your dreams on Tinder” tips just yet, but boy do I have some opinions about profiles.

For those of you who have not yet ventured into these very murky waters, Tinder is a dating app that takes your basic info and a few photos from Facebook to make your profile, then you get to edit and choose your photos and add a paragraph about yourself.

Tinder then shows you the profiles of the gender, age and distance away you choose and off you go, either like or not liking the profiles you are shown. If you both like each other, you get to message. Simple.

Now, I try very hard to not grumble or be critical about things, especially things I am choosing to put into my life, but seriously folks, for the one second you get to create a good impression, some profiles need a teensy bit of tweaking. So, in my week of swiping mostly left (for “not interested”), here are my tips for guy’s profiles:

1. Yes, you can change the photos Tinder originally chooses for you.

It is really easy. So do it!! This is my list of things that do not make great Tinder photos: your kids, you on a motorbike in full protective gear, your dog, dead fish, cartoon faces, two hot girls making out, you with a group of guys (so I don’t know which one is you), you with a group of girls, you and another woman—I assume it is your ex or current partner, a photo obviously cropped from a photo of you and your ex, you surfing, you doing any activity where you are a speck in the distance, you not smiling.

You get up to six photos—use at least three of them with close up photos of you in clothes, smiling.

2. Come on, 400 characters!

It’s not hard. Write a bit about yourself. Something funny, something simple, your interests, your dog’s name, your favorite movie, but for Pete’s sake, write something! No matter how cute you are, I left swipe any profile that does not have at least a couple of lines. Yes, we all know judging someone on a Tinder profile is very superficial, so at least give me a few sentences (preferably well-spelled with punctuation!) to make me feel like I judged you on something besides your smile!

3. Leave your kids out of it.

OK, so you have kids and it is probably a good idea to mention that in your profile, but they probably shouldn’t be in your Tinder photos. This is first and foremost a dating site at best, a pickup site at worst. Please be a little more discretionary about where you post your kids faces for one, and secondly, not really sexy! Don’t get me wrong, I like kids and kids are cute, but leave them out of this for now!

4. Dead fish are not sexy.

Yes, you are very proud of your dead fish, and if I fall madly in love with you, I will support your hobbies and your interests, but dead fish are not good first photos. Full stop.

5. Leave Tinder for us singles!

C’mon, the dating world is tough enough already, I already have to assume that perhaps as many as half (maybe more, I don’t know!) of the guys on here are married or involved and looking to sleaze a little on the side. So for the love of humanity, if you are happily married stay off Tinder! I have actually seen profiles of men who say they are happily married and just looking to meet new people—not fair. You have all the other networking sites and Saturday morning soccer games and work and the hardware store to meet people. Please leave dating sites for those of us who are actually dating, as it is usually too hard to figure out if the guy at the hardware store is single, let alone make random conversation!

Maybe in a few weeks I will have some tips for actually meeting Tinderites in person, but for now, I would love to hear from other Tinderites as to their tips. I would especially love to hear from Tindermen about what they find interesting and off-putting in women’s profiles, as I don’t look at them much!

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Editor: Travis May

Photo: Flickr/Nathan Rupert