What stops us from being good lovers or surrendering to sex?

Frequently it’s time constraints, self-centeredness, inhibitions and lack of technique. Also, our minds won’t shut off which keeps us from being in the moment. Further, many of us resist surrendering to how sexy we really are. Why?

We haven’t learned to see ourselves as sexy. We’ve been brainwashed by the “skinny ideal.”

Also, sex is often viewed more as a performance feat than a holy exchange. Growing up, most of us haven’t been given the right kind of education about what true sexiness is. If only we’d been taught that sexuality is a healthy, natural part of us that we must embody in a mindful, loving way—not something “dirty” or something to be ashamed of.

Early on we learn that the words vagina and penis embarrass people. Except between lovers, they are rarely ever part of our vocabulary. We are a culture that embraces shame, only there is nothing to be ashamed of!

Seeing ourselves as erotic beings and embracing our own allure are the rewards of awakening sexual power.

Sometimes, though, we resist our own sexiness or having sex at all because it mirrors our insecurities. Common ones include, Is my body attractive? Is my partner judging me? Am I good lover? Will I disappoint my partner? Will I be rejected? Suffocated?

When these or other fears take over, even subconsciously, we may resist having sex. Resistance can manifest as legitimate excuses such as, “I’m not in the mood,” “I’m too tired or run down,” “I’m preoccupied with work,” “It’s too much effort,” “the kids will hear,” or “I’ve got a headache.” Still, if these excuses become habitual and our erotic lives are suffering, it’s essential to examine our resistance to sex.

To overcome resistance there are practical steps we can take.

We have to want to be sexy and keep passion alive in a relationship. When we’re tired, angry or if communication breaks down with a partner, passion is the first to go. Denial and apathy are the enemies of passion.

So stay alert to the following deterrents to a good sex life that can predictably do us in. Then, we can correct the situation.

Six common killers of passion from The Ecstasy of Surrender

>>> Exhaustion
>>> Not communicating your needs
>>> Losing interest
>>> Rushing
>>> Lack of creativity, boredom
>>> Repressed anger and hostilities

Sexual responsiveness is a sensitive barometer. Intimacy requires self-awareness and a willingness to remove obstacles. Taking action can help us achieve a loving, erotic relationship.

On a daily basis, train yourself to be more mindful about getting rest and pacing yourself. It’s not sexy to rush around and be constantly stressed out. Especially when we’re busy, it’s important to remember to breathe—a quick way to reconnect with our bodies!

Though family, work and other demands can intrude on making time sexuality, being dedicated to self-care can help us prioritize it in our relationships.

To cure self-doubts, we need to be solution-oriented.

For instance, if you wonder, “Is my technique right?” honestly talk with your partner how you can meet each other’s needs. If you’re bored with the same positions, playfully brainstorm together about exciting ways to experiment. Also, with respect, keep discussing the anger or hurt you may feel towards each other so that your resentments don’t numb passion. For more complex issues such as fear of intimacy reach out to a therapist or a friend for insight.

While exploring your fears, be kind to yourself. Such sweetness allows us to mend wounds and reclaim our power.

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Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: Alice Popkorn/Flickr