Nope, it’s not I Love You.

But the ever challenging question, “Are you happy?”

The words fall off a woman’s lips like the sound of a glass crashing to the floor, so expectations and good feelings slam together, and there appears to be no winner in the answer.

It’s the question that inevitably signals the start of countless arguments, so no wonder guys dread the words.

I’d say that women dread it, too, even if we are the ones who ask the question more often than men. Obviously, the words are rarely spoken when we are happily in the moment. We are lavishing in the bliss, but eventually the intensity slows, so we ask.

We know that we don’t have to ask, “Are you happy?” but somehow the words roll off our tongues more for a connection—a reassurance that it is all good—then to truly analyze the relationship.

These three little words are similar to a call-and-response. With that idea in mind, let’s see these words in a different light.

Psychologist John Gottman has studied over a thousand couples in the past few decades, and recognized that there are masters and disasters at marriages.

He found that the masters exhibited a trait of responding to their partners bid for interest in something as ordinary as looking at a bird (or whatever excites the person). He noticed a higher rate of masters in those who responded to their partner’s interest. Sure not everyone likes birds, but the point is whether or not we take an interest in our partner’s likes.

Gottman called this moment a “turning toward” or a “turning away” from their partner. Those couples who “turned toward” each other more often ended up being more of a master than a disaster in marriage. The turning “toward” or “away” may be reflective in the way a partner reacts to the question, “Are you happy?”

The three little words are the canary in the coal mine of a relationship.

Our partners are bidding for our attention, and maybe they ask those three little words after a few “turning away” moments. It’s not a question of hostility, but one of trying to gauge a connection—a reassurance that it is all good. Take it as a compliment, not as an invitation to a battle.

So guys, don’t cringe the next time your partner asks, “Are you happy?”

Take it with stride, wrap your arms around her, and give her a slow lingering kiss, knowing that actions always speak louder than words.

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Editor: Renée Picard

Image: Pixoto