October 21, 2014

Why I Love being an Imperfect Yoga Teacher.

0 Boost Score Kaitlin Morris (1,510,185)

483

I have been a yoga instructor for about 10 years, since I was 13 years old.

Prior to that, I used DVDs and books to learn about yoga, although at the time I was more interested in the physical exercise component than the spiritual side of the practice. You see, I had an eating disorder and body image issues for most of my life, and found yoga in an attempt to “tone” and “tighten” the parts of my body that I was unsatisfied with.

I figured it was another opportunity to learn how to slim down my belly and thighs.

Little did I know, it would be my first experience of self-love and the gift that changed my life forever.

Now, finally certified and able to share what yoga had taught me in group and private classes, I am on a much healthier path than I was just a few years ago.

Through yoga I have learned how to improve my relationship with myself, how to balance my life and all the stressors in it and how to live the life of a health-advocate and yoga teacher.

But am I enlightened? No.

Am I somehow perfect, able to blend seamlessly intelligence, physical fitness, spirituality, and meditation with the rest of my life?

No. But I keep going.

Like everyone, I am a work in progress—but I take pride in every step I take along this path, enjoying the process and appreciating the growth I notice in myself and in my fellow travellers I meet along the way.

As a graduate student studying a challenging science curriculum, I struggle for balance in my life. I also recently gained enough weight to be considered “healthy” and “normal weight” after about seven years of forcing my body to remain about 30-50 pounds below a safe weight, so I still struggle every day with feeling good about my body and how I take care of it.

I still struggle with concerns over the size of my new yoga pants, a few sizes larger than those of years past, I still worry about my students thinking I’m “too big” to be a good yoga teacher. I have irrational thoughts, I have negative thoughts, I worry about being good enough, about being too vulnerable, about my students not liking me, about not being successful.

I worry about balancing college and my other jobs with teaching yoga. I worry about not getting enough exercise and about being a bigger size than I used to be. I worry that someone will think that I’m not mentally comfortable enough with myself yet to be a good, safe, fun, and inspiring yoga teacher.

But you know what? That’s okay.

I know that I am human, and that I am on a beautiful life-long journey. I feel happier most of the time than ever before. I read books about yoga philosophy and positive thinking, I take yoga classes, keep eating healthy, and telling myself that I am beautiful at any size.

I am not the “model yoga teacher,” but I don’t want to be.

No one is perfect, everyone is working to feel better, to spread more love and joy, and to share their gifts with the world.

I am working for that too. I am working to accept and love myself, to find peace in the not-knowing, and to balance my school life, my work life, my yoga teaching life, my family life, and the self-talk going on inside my head. Sometimes it’s more challenging than other times, but yoga makes the journey so much more interesting and approachable.

Honestly, I prefer an “imperfect” yoga teacher when I take classes. I like the raw authenticity of learning from a teacher who can be honest about what it means to be human and show their vulnerability. Everyone has their own challenges, their imperfections, and also their progress and successes.

Students of all backgrounds tend to connect better to a teacher who has struggles of their own– whether it be their body image and food, grief, depression, medical problems, dependency or addiction, the day-to-day stress of work or family life—whatever it is, people all go through these things, whether they are teachers or students.

As a student, I identify and connect easier to teachers who “own” their vulnerability and prove that it’s okay, even good, to make mistakes, to slip, or to just feel a little depressed. It’s normal, healthy, and human to be in constant progress, never attaining the idealized image of a “perfect yoga teacher” in the typical ad for yoga pants, her body, diet, and whole life in perfect alignment.

Best of all, yoga teachers who are “real” inspire their students to move deeper in their own practices and lives—they make it okay to be inflexible or to have physical limitations, to have addictions, behaviour problems, to have challenges in their personal or work lives.

Teachers who share their struggles and show how they have improved through their yoga practice act to inspire those who are still at the point where improvement may seem unlikely or even impossible.

I have been there—recovery is the least likely idea to a student with an eating disorder, but a teacher who’s been through that experience and successfully made it past the worst of their own demons—that story gives indescribable hope to someone who can’t yet see the way out of the dark.

As both a yoga student and now a teacher, I find that I relate better to an instructor who isn’t airbrushed, “enlightened” and simply striking a pose, acting like a deity or celebrity.

We are all people.

We are all on the path.

We have all stumbled, we have all been afraid, and we all have the capacity to hold each other’s hands when the path gets rocky, slippery, or dark. That is what yoga has taught me—the only perfection is in the beautiful, individual, ever-changing imperfection. In our differences and along our own imperfect paths, we are all perfect.

Whether it be in a pose or in a personal journey, we are all just on the path, walking together, holding each other’s hands.

And it’s all good.