When I was a kid, one of my mother’s few guilty pleasures was her subscription to Cosmopolitan magazine.

Even though I wasn’t supposed to read it-on the grounds it was too grown up for me, I read it anyway. If I was to name the biggest problem in the world solely based on that publication alone, it would be a lack of passion in the bedroom.

Nearly three decades later, not a lot has changed. It’s not just Cosmo but numerous magazines, blogs, etc. discussing the dangers of a lack of a passion along with “sure-fire” ways to spice our sex lives.

As someone who is neither a therapist nor an expert on sex, I don’t know a sure-fire way for everyone to get or regain the passion in their respective relationships. However based on personal experience, I do know a few sure-fire ways to kill it quickly. And despite what the editors at Cosmo think, it has absolutely nothing to do with our choice in underwear, hairstyles, or anything to do with physical appearance or even sexual orientation: you may look like a Victoria’s Secret model, be decked out in the “sexiest” attire with an arsenal of sex tricks at your fingertips and yet still manage to kill the passion by doing one of these things:

1. View sex as a chore rather than a pleasure.

Everyone is busy these days, and I know more than a few couples who admit that they have or currently schedule sex. Still, sex shouldn’t be seen as a chore. Rather, it should be seen as something fun. If it’s not not fun, then it’s far better to get to the root of the problem then just grit our teeth and “do it”.

Plus, no matter how good of an actor we think we are, it’s usually easy for our partner-especially one we have been with for a long time-to pick up on the fact that neither our hearts nor passions are in it.

The fact is, no one has ever died from lack of sex and talking about what is bothering us is far better than trying to appease our partner by giving him or her a release. While it’s natural for passion to ebb and flow throughout a relationship, if it feels like it gone and never coming back, it may be a sign that there are deeper underlying issues that need to be resolved or else a sign that we to consider moving on to a new relationship.

2. Act as if your partner is doing you a favor by having sex with you.

Everyone likes praise and flattery. However, gratitude which sounds like it is coming from a place of desperation is different. Having been there myself, it can make the situation very awkward. When a former boyfriend shared that it had been “eons” since he had been intimate with anyone and he was “grateful” to me for ending his dry spell all I could wonder was if something was wrong with him. Plus, it made me question: Did he really liked me or was he just looking to get lucky?

In any case, it totally took me out of the mood and getting it on became the last thing on my mind.

3. Become self-critical.

It’s fodder for many romantic comedies, but pointing out our neuroses and physical flaws is not very endearing nor sexy in real life. No one is perfect. Any mature person recognizes that and doesn’t need that pointed out. While too much self-confidence can be a turn-off, too little can also result in the same reaction. Much like #2 doing so only causes our partner to wonder: Why is this person with me?

4. Adopt a persona that isn’t us.

One of the reasons that I love to roll my eyes at most “advice” columns and articles that give tips for putting the passion back into relationships is that they often take a one-size-fits all approach and assume everyone is turned on by the same things. The truth is, not everyone is attracted to skimpy lingerie, likes a tiger or tigress in bed, or wants to act out 50 Shades of Grey. (Granted, there is nothing wrong if we like to do any or all of these things.) However, for many it just isn’t us.

Much like it’s easy for our partner to know if we are really into sex or not or just viewing it as a chore, it’s easy for most people to see through a phony persona. While role-playing is one thing, actually pretending to be something we are not is another.

Much like #1, if we aren’t turning on our partner or the passion is not there the problem may very well be that our partner is not compatible with us rather than we need to change or adopt a persona that isn’t who we are.

In conclusion, if anyone really knew the magic formula to regain or ignite the passion in a relationship, then he or she would be a billionaire.

While such a thing may not actually exist, there are some things that are definite turn-offs and can make any passion present disappear faster than a speeding bullet.

Therefore, before we turn to women’s magazines and columns for advice, it may be worth it to ask ourselves if we are own self-sabotogers. By doing so, the ultimate goal isn’t just to have a passionate relationship but to have a good relationship-period.

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Author: Kimberly Lo 

Editor: Renée Picard

Photo: all.consuming at Flickr