Dear Lover,

I like to think I am a sexually open woman. I like to think that I have no problems expressing to you what I want and need.

However, the fact is, I sometimes clam up when we are together. I don’t always say what I really want out of fear that I will spoil the moment or worse, come across as one of those pushy, demanding women. (As a former boyfriend once said, “No one likes a dictator in the sack.”)

However, there are some things you need to know because neither you nor anyone is a mind reader and also, I want to make the most of our time together.

While I cannot promise that there won’t be other things that come in the future, here are three right now:

1. Please touch my entire body and not just my breasts and genitals.

Touch is important. Skin-to-skin contact even more so. However, so many men (and women) seem to think that when it comes to foreplay the only thing that matters is contact with the breasts and genitals. While those areas are important, my body includes much more than those areas. I want to be touched there, but also all over. All over includes my scalp, my face, my back and even the soles of my feet.

Take your time. And remember, given the time of the month, I may be more or less sensitive to touch. It’s a good idea to check in with me because what worked last time may not work this time.  Of course, I will tell you if you are too rough or too gentle but checking in with me suggests a layer of concern that I find immensely sexy.

2. Just because I’m wet doesn’t mean I am ready for sex.

Like all women, my body varies. I often get wet easily but that does not mean that I am emotionally ready to have sex. Sometimes I need more time to get ready.

Contrary wise, the times when I don’t get wet right away doesn’t mean that you aren’t doing anything wrong or that I am not into it. Rather, it means I need more time.

If you really want to know if I am ready, then ask me.

3. Please use your mouth—and not in the way you might I think I mean.

I don’t always know what turns you on. Sometimes, it can feel like our sex life is routine with so many minutes allotted for foreplay, so much for intercourse, etc.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but if you want to try something new, then ask. It’s possible I may say no, but it’s also possible I may say yes.

If something I’m doing isn’t to your liking, then tell me. I won’t take it personally—it’s really all about the phrasing.

It’s important that I know what you like because sex is a mutual experience. If you aren’t enjoying it, then I am not either. How about we make an agreement and we both use our mouths in the same way?

Lastly, there is one more thing before I forget: remember to thank me for being your lover. You don’t have to say it aloud, but knowing that one is appreciated is the best aphrodisiac around. Forget the Playboy sex tips—if you really want to set me on fire, let me know that, and I will return the favor several times over.

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Relephant:

6 Ways to Have Radically Intimate Sex.

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Author: Kimberly Lo

Editor: Travis May

Photo: zaphodsotherhead/Flickr