The scariest thing I ever felt was

Loneliness

So soul crushing and suffocating

I worried it would kill me.

So I lived half a life,

Flirting with delicious demons of distraction

Desiring each day to stave off that dreaded

Solitary pang.

But my Loch Ness monster of loneliness,

She lurked in the black sea of night

Patiently stalking sunset

Prepared to pounce again and again

And again

On my tender, now lonely soul.

I cried and cried,

A vicious red tide till morning’s first light.

I sobbed and sobbed,

Till a thousand tears stained my tattered cheeks.

I became a fugitive on the run

Desperately seeking anesthesia of any kind

To numb this wicked emptiness.

Drinking in lovers

Praying for friends

Longing for acceptance

Fearing abandonment.

I ran so hard for so long that my legs gave out.

And then it was just me.

Alone.

In the dark.

There was nowhere else to turn, so I turned inside—towards myself.

I slipped into my loneliness like a frothy bubble bath.

I sank down and drank it in.

It was painfully bitter, but beautiful.

That day,

My heart shattered open

To me.

Like a tender, throbbing lily,

I held my blooming heart tight

(But not too tight)

And finally felt at

Home.

I blossomed frantically

Into my

Self.

As my petals spread out,

I saw that loneliness doesn’t disappear in a crowded room,

Or in the embrace of a new lover.

Or in a sea of thousand smiling faces.

No.

Loneliness grows in our own hearts,

Stemming from the deep disconnection

Of our bodies, minds

And souls.

Now

When I feel lonely,

I know I need to be alone

To coax my heart out of hiding

To offer solace to my soul

And reconnect with the bursting beauty of my

Self.

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Author: Sarah Harvey

Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: Jelle/Flickr