It’s a tale as old as time.

Yep, this one is about pornography.

I can hear the snickers and see the raised eyebrows. I’ve gotta say right up front, I am no prude, as any of my friends can attest. And, at the risk of getting too personal, I am not sexually repressed. Clothing that some may label as too revealing is of no concern to me. I wear tiny swimsuits and short running shorts. Cleavage is beautiful.

This week, a friend’s Facebook account was hacked. Upon clicking on a link, what opened was an explicit porn video. At first, I honestly could not make heads or tails, no pun intended, of what my eyes were seeing. As I watched it, I got nothing from it. Nothing…just blah. It was not sensual, pretty, hot, erotic. It was moving parts.

This is the same way I felt about the other, though limited porn, I have seen in my now 46 years. Admittedly, I am no connoisseur. I know people that regularly partake of porn—to jumpstart their own relationship (get them in the mood), for curiosity sake, and for shall we say, self fulfillment. It comes in all forms across all media and is big business.

Here is my take.

Pornography affects the very essence of who you are and not for the better. You are kidding yourself if you think it is okay. It is not. It is not a harmless pastime.

Ironically, what suffers for pornography users is their own sex life. No real partner can meet the standards of a fantasy. Further, real partners are then objectified, and they know it. “Passion” is not read as it should be. The best real sex originates in the mind. Otherwise, you are just going through the motions. While that may be fun sometimes, it is not sustaining and not really what we crave. So, porn consumption puts us in a vicious cycle of not being fulfilled.

I would argue that healthy attracts healthy and that is what is sexy. Period. But yet, we know that everyone has issues. We all come into relationships carrying some sort of baggage. We expect someone to actually meet every need we have and like doing it. That is not realistic for a “sexy” relationship.

Instead, we should seek to proactively cultivate health in our selves so that we may be our best selves for another person. This is how we attract and hold onto someone that is worth having.

While I support the idea that whatever two consenting adults choose to do behind closed doors is fine and dandy, I would submit for your mature consideration that pornography does nothing but to cheapen and devalue the uniqueness of a relationship.

And, crotch novels are similar. Whether reading a story that elicits eroticism or partaking of pornography, both highlight lack. Essentially, lack is the root issue. We lack real connection with each other, even in marriage. Whenever there is lack of any kind, longing takes over. It may be temporarily quelled by reading a story, fantasying or watching an explicit video.

This brings me to Fifty Shades of Grey, an enormously popular work by a marketing genius. The story taps into the pervasive themes of lack and loneliness in our culture.

Yes, as humans, we enjoy eroticism. Yes, women swoon over a “love story.”

All these elements have ratcheted this work into the mainstream. And, this is troubling. What message are we sending to young girls and women, when the main character is willing to do anything for the sake of having “love.” And, what message are we sending to boys and men when women stand in long lines to buy the book and see the film and are seemingly “turned on” by it? That we, as women, will subject ourselves to depravity?

Essentially, it is a tale as old as time; Beauty and the Beast with a dark side—brilliant for making money.

I know that what I offer here is different. Old fashioned? Maybe. I prefer my hot sex to be real. I will not be fed by the machine of popular culture. Real love between two people produces the hottest sexual experiences.

It is not a place of judgement that I come from. I don’t care what other people do in their private moments. My aim is to simply invite you to think a bit differently. If you want to watch porn or read crotch novels, then do so knowing that you short change yourself. Know that these will not cure your deep craving for a real connection with another person.

The allure of short term fun and escape that these promise merely disassociates you further from achieving what would really satisfy.

Bonus video:

Relephant:

Ask Me Anything: Men, Women & Porn. {Weekly Advice Column}

Why I’m Terrified of Porn.

Author: Melanie Blenis

Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: Loren Kerns/Flickr