Are you the parent of a toddler?

Are you under the impression that you should have a clean and tidy house (at least when your mother-in-law comes over)? I’ve got some tried and true tips to keeping your house clean—with the help of your toddler of course!

1. Throw away all of the toys. Yes all of them. Your toddler can find plenty to do by just flicking that door stopper, right?

2. Never let him go outside. The outdoors are overrated anyways and who needs to deal with all of that dirt being tracked in on their feet.

3. Discourage movement. Milestones are for amateurs! If you really want to keep a clean house, do everything in your power to delay crawling and walking. All will be well as long as your toddler never leaves his bouncy chair.

4. Only offer food while in the bathtub. Unless you want to spend 45 minutes after every meal cleaning up a high chair and the four foot radius around said high chair, we suggest just feeding your toddler in the bathtub.

5. Screen time. The American Academy of Pediatrics may frown on it, but clearly those old men have never followed in the wake of a toddler all day. We say the more screen time the better. If your toddler is plopped in front of a TV, they aren’t pulling every single book off the bookshelf.

6. Delay arts and crafts for as long as possible. Sure art is important for child development but that’s what kindergarten is for. This includes crayons and Play-doh—it’s a slippery slope into glitter-ville.

7. Remove everything, I mean everything from their reach. Loft your bed if you have to because your toddler will find a way to destroy it.

8. Do not buy a pet. If you are already have one, buy a big cage. Aside from the existing filth associated with pets, your toddler will find a way to make the situation much, much worse.

9. Decorative items are a thing of the past. Unless you enjoy replacing the same throw pillow 362 times a day, we suggest donating these silly extravagances to your friends who were wise enough not to have children.

10. Laundry should never be folded. If you are having a good day and actually remember to move the laundry from the washer into the dryer then just count your blessings and throw the finished load directly into the dresser drawers. Toddlers go through five outfits a day (minimum) so folding laundry is futile.