Many years ago, I worked as a friendly cyberhood sex and intimacy consultant for a few online singles sites.

I took questions of all kinds, regardless of how obscure, kinky or taboo they might be. No judgments. I was happily surprised to see that many lovers—male and female alike—were quite concerned about the topic of women’s pleasure. More specifically, masturbation and orgasm.

Although I received a great number of questions about female orgasms, I’m sharing here the top three. Not because I think they are the most relevant questions one could ask about the deliciously capricious phenomenon that is woman’s sexual climax, but because they were often the most asked. And by that logic, that put them at the forefront of many lovers’ minds.

I hope you’ll contribute to the conversation by adding your comments and questions in the feedback section below. Share the love!

I have never achieved orgasm with a man. Should I be concerned about a medical issue? Or would it be solely a personal issue with performance?

Not achieving orgasm with a partner is more common than most people realize. Sex is a very intimate act that can leave many of us feeling vulnerable and unable to relax fully enough to let go in pleasure.

One of the best ways to overcome this is to learn to make love to yourself. If you can, have orgasms alone through masturbation. This will also eliminate your concern about needing medical attention. (If there is any pain, see your gynecologist as soon as possible.)

By taking the time to learn your own body and what it needs in order to receive pleasure, you will be able to better to guide your lover toward the best ways to please you.

How do I know if my wife is masturbating? She seems to prefer it to having sex with me. What can I do?

Masturbation happens. It’s not only a typical behavior for both men and women; it’s a sign of a healthy sex drive. My motto is: You can’t be a good lover to anyone else until you’re a good lover to yourself.

However, if your wife prefers masturbation to intercourse with you, you may wish to discuss this matter with her in a comfortable and open setting. She may have reservations about sex, which you can help dispel through discussion. Alternately, she may have issues with the way you and she are connecting sexually. The only way to address it is to communicate.

Now, this can be a daunting topic to bring up. Be sure to choose a time when you both are relaxed and in a peaceful mood. Knowing your partner’s communication style is essential when you finally ask the questions. For example, some women prefer a straight-forward approach: So, do you prefer masturbating to having sex with me? Some may want to wade into the pool of the conversation: Are you satisfied with our love life? Or Is there anything I can do to make our sex better for you?

It is most important that you respect your wife’s feelings and let her know that you are there as a partner. In this way, you can both develop a closer relationship as lovers.

I used to have orgasms with my boyfriend and through masturbation, but now I am rarely stimulated to the point of orgasm. What can I do?

This may seem obvious, but you might need a break.

It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on the goal of having an orgasm, either alone or with your boyfriend.

For a few weeks, try making love (to yourself or with him) with absolutely no thought about climaxing. Pretend you’ve never even heard of this elusive thing called “orgasm.”

Find new ways to receive pleasure, and in new areas of your body. Use your fingers (or his!) to investigate parts of your body—like inner thighs, the small of your back, nape of your neck, even your toes—that give you pleasure.

Also, try giving pleasure to your partner. Oftentimes this acts as an aphrodisiac. Whatever you do, do not pressure yourself to have an orgasm. Pleasure will come eventually…and it comes in many forms, not just sexual release.

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Happy loving!

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Author: Rachel Astarte

Editor: Caroline Beaton

Photo: elephant archives

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