A recent reader had a two-part question about fear and intimacy, specifically as it pertains to performing oral sex. In this installment, I address the second part of her question, and move on to another question about an art of fellatio: Deep Throating.

Q. How does it feel to give something/do something that’s that hard for you?

I’ll never forget about the awesome feeling of pure love I get every time I see that he notices and values how I just got over another inhibition, even if it took me months. The people we love, usually feel way more thankful for every fear and flaw we show them than for anything else.

A. You’ve already received the benefit of having been acknowledged for having faced a fear, whether it’s the fear of giving oral sex or the fear of opening yourself to your partner emotionally. Take a moment to sit in that feeling of “pure love” and let it fuel you.

The reason those we love and who love us deeply typically feel gratitude for our openness and vulnerability is that it is, in itself, a gift of love. In our vulnerability, our partner can not only recognize and accept his own, but feel safe enough to present it to you in return.

Yes, offering up our ugly bits—our fears and anxieties—is hard to do. No one is denying that!

We humans are fragile beings, always in flux, always growing. When we can open fully and share even our darkest aspects with a partner, it gives both of us the opportunity to evolve psychologically and spiritually.

Q. Can deep throat sex with a loving man do any harm? How is it done safely?

A. Performing “deep throat” oral sex, or taking a man’s penis past the length of the mouth and into one’s esophagus, is perfectly safe for both partners, provided a few precautions are taken.

There is the obvious precaution of using a condom if this is a new and/or HIV-untested partner. After that, the safety falls mainly with the fellator. So here are some basic tips for deep-throating safely and pleasurably.

Practice. Because the penis is going to be moving past the back of your tongue and into your throat, you may experience what is known as the pharyngeal reflex or “gag reflex.” The good news is that this reflex can be suppressed (think of sword swallowers), and anyone can do it. It just takes practice.

You may wish to begin trying the following steps on a penis-sized piece of fruit or vegetable so that you’re more prepared for the actual act.

Positioning. Ideally, you’ll want the entry of your mouth aligned with your throat. A good suggestion is to lie backward on the bed, with your head hanging slightly off the edge. What matters is that you are comfortable.

Say “Ahh.” Place the tip of your tongue slightly outside your mouth to make more room for the penis to enter. This position also acts as a lubricated channel for the penis to slide along.

Relax. Easier said than done, right? But this is the most important tip you’ll receive (so to speak). In order to prevent the gag reflex, you’ll need to relax the muscles of the throat, as if you were yawning.

Breathe. Breathing is also essential. Take a nice deep breath before you escort the penis past the back of your tongue. This will also help you to relax the muscles there. If the gag reflex is triggered, simply stop and breathe. (This is where practice comes in handy.)

Make a mantra. It helps to repeat a calming word like Open or Relax. In this way. you will send the message to your throat to turn off its protective reflex against choking. You may also choose to hum. This does help, as it physically keeps your throat open. (Not to mention that the vibrations feel lovely on your lover’s skin.)

Timing. Go slowly, and take as much time as you need. Also keep in mind that once you begin, deep-throating is not meant to be the whole of the oral sex act. Everything in moderation. A few seconds at a time works perfectly well. A nice rhythm is: deep, out of the throat and upward, hand stroke, then back down. You’ll find what works best for you.

Above all, remember that while deep-throating may have a pornographic association, it is in reality another way to create deeper intimacy (literally). Your partner needs to be be patient and loving, and you’ll need to experience your own state of bliss as well.

Happy loving!

Do you have questions about creating intimacy or developing mindful relationships?
Confusing questions? Awkward ones? Deep, dark scary ones?
I want them.

Email your questions to: [email protected].

All relephant questions will be answered with loving kindness in this weekly column. (Yes. Every one.)
Authors remain anonymous.

No judgments, just soulful answers.

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Relephant: 

Oral Sex: It’s not just for Foreplay Anymore. {Adult}

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Author: Rachel Astarte

Editor: Travis May

Images: Movie Poster