A Sex Club? What’s that? You watch what? Is it safe? OMG!

These and other more probing questions were fired at me one day when I let slip that I had been—and there was no taking that information back.

Could I be of service by sharing the scoop about an unconventional evening out? Does anyone else wonder what happens at a sex club or why one would go in the first place?

This is going to become somewhat personal and explicit, so fair warning here. For the record, I am petrified to write this.

It might not be the 60s, and it may not seem like there is a sexual revolution taking place, but inter-personal relationships are evolving. Society is recognizing, albeit at an agonizingly slow pace, that all is not monogamy and heterosexuality.

We are learning to hold on a little less tightly to the norm and accepting our individuality.

About Authenticity:

In my first post to elephant journal, I spoke about my own quest for authenticity. I was born under the sign of Scorpio, and that makes me reclusive, shy, secretive and extremely sensitive.

Being born under the sign of Scorpio also makes me adventurous, highly sexual, a non-conformist and intensely driven towards living life to the fullest.

So imagine my dilemmas in life with that wacky nature! Nothing easy here.

If you’ve read any of my posts rated adult, you’ll quickly figure out where my interests lie. I am a bi-sexual woman with hopes of supporting the LGBT and poly-amorous community by writing openly about subjects of a sexual nature.

It’s been a long road to self-acceptance and courage, and perhaps if I stand strong, others will too.

Exploring the sex club scene was just a natural evolution of my curiosity and quest for the possibility of a female partner. I already am in an intensely satisfying 21 year relationship with a much evolved man, but have poly-amorous intentions.

My lover is my best friend. And I am his. We are committed to supporting each other’s life path while sharing a lifetime of adventure. He gets that being bi is continually frustrating, because one partner might never be enough.

Luckily for me, he does not take my orientation personally. He gives me everything he can and then leaves room for me to be totally me. That’s the beauty of an emotionally mature male.

So when I asked him to accompany me to a sex club to explore my own interests, it was date night like any other, only hotter.

There has always been space in our love for individuality. Neither of us would ask the other to change.

To say that trust is at the crux of our union would be a ridiculous understatement. So he trusted that I would go only if I was ready, and I trusted that he would understand my fears and be there for me.

In any case, I like to push my fears to the curb, and decided to take the plunge and go. It seemed easier somehow to explore at a bar where everyone is of the same mindset than a regular bar (I never go anyway) where most women are looking for men, and not a quirky, witchy type of female.

What is a Sex Club anyway?

If I were to say that it is a club like any other where you would go dancing, have a few drinks, meet like-minded folks…would you believe me?

Probably not, but in fact, it is all those things, with a few extra toppings. Like a banana sundae but with all the trimmings.

What else? Just sprinkle in partial-to-full nudity, a pole to dance or two, a special area for all out sexual experiences (in full view of others), a chance to hook up with someone or more than one someone, and a completely safe and non-judgmental atmosphere for women, and you’ve pretty much got it covered, or ermm…uncovered.

In fact, where safety is concerned, I have never felt safer anywhere. Perhaps too safe. Obviously every club will have its own reputation, so buyer beware (you’ll have to purchase a membership), but the reviews should cover it.

Sex clubs are not for single men meeting single women. They are primarily about a woman’s sexually adventurous experience in as safe a setting as possible.

It’s where women can drop all stigma of being called a slut or wh*re (sorry, there’s that double-standard thing when women are fully expressive of their sexuality) and enjoy their bodies without shame.

Who will be there?

Primarily couples in secure relationships and single women who wish to explore their sexual fantasies. Also, groups of single women looking for a safe place to play (pole dancing, stripping, etc.) without being approached by single men looking for a hook up.

Single men can only attend as guests with couples, only so many are allowed in per evening (a small percentage) and must be pre-approved. If the club in your area has different rules you might want to re-consider.

I’ve never been to any bar where I could express myself completely without having to fend off offers, lewd remarks, groping, etc., as I did here. Liberating? Incredibly so!

If you’re interested in meeting another party, you may, in a very civilized manner send a shot over via one of the staff and wait to see if the person responds. If they are not interested, that is the end of that story. No second questions, no solicitous stares allowed.

Any violation of the strict no-harassment rules results in being escorted out and banned. No kidding. It’s just a complete no-no to make any woman or couple feel uncomfortable.

What To Wear:

I liked the club I went to because it had a dress code. No jeans, no baseball caps, upscale casual to dressy encouraged.

Having said that, the above sentence might make you think that everyone will be wearing all those dressy things when in fact, some were and many were not. I, for instance wore much too much.

My sexy leggings and a see through top with an uber cute bra was clearly like dressing for Alaska when I should have been thinking Sahara Dessert. I think my strappy heels were the most revealing thing I had on.

The men wore sharp suits and expensive shoes (a very professional crowd) for the most part, but I quickly clued in that women need not think so much about clothes as nipple rings.

After my first hastily downed vodka, I noticed that underwear was optional as well.

The atmosphere was elegant, music was great, and the crowd was a mix of 20-to-50-somethings.
Was everyone a super model? No! Sure, there were some incredibly beautiful people there but in general, just a mix of people who take good care of themselves like you’d see in any trendy bar, only more expensively undressed.

What happens in the main bar area?

Just like at any dance club, it’s dancing, drinking and cavorting. Only difference? The aforementioned dearth of clothing and the incredibly supportive atmosphere for women to act out their exhibitionistic fantasies.

Obviously, there is a lot of voyeurism going on, but nobody feels strange about it as everyone is there for the same purpose. If this kind of activity broke out at your local pub, it would turn into bedlam in short order.

Here, it is complete acceptance of whatever makes your soul sing freedom.

You’ll see couples kissing as they dance, while others simply stay at their seat, have their drink and soak in the atmosphere.

Girl on girl is just a given. If ever there was a place for playing, this is it. And again, no worries about cat calls, slipped phone numbers (where would you tuck it in anyway?) or questionable proposals.

What happens in the VIP lounge?

A different kind of dance.

The VIP lounge or whatever a particular club calls it is where there truly are no clothes allowed.

Usually there is an assortment of rooms, for whatever you’re into—every shade of kink you can imagine. If you’re shy, this is not the lounge for you.

The doors to the rooms stay open, no matter what is going on. There are places to sit within a central area, but sitting is the least of what happens here.

By this time you have already paired off with someone you have met, or brought with you or you’re there to watch.

As long as you’re respectful, polite and follow the rules of non-harassment, it’s going to be all fun.

Stay for a few minutes or as long as you wish. This is a playground for emotionally mature adults who know what they’re getting into.

There seemed to be a lot of regulars, who it was obvious felt at home there, sharing jokes, laughter and then a bit more than that.

Of course, should you meet someone that strikes your fanny…oops…fancy, you can certainly go somewhere private; one is not obligated to tango right then and there.

What if I meet someone I know there?

Well then, you’ve got the dirt on them as well, so just laugh about it and carry on. It’s not that big a deal.

What about safe sex?

Like any other encounter, it’s up to you to stay safe.

What was so amazing?

We were privileged to see so many couples who were in such a secure place in their walk together that there was room for a fully expressive kind of love.

I had no idea how these incredibly fit women did the things they did on the dance poles! Beautiful? Yes! Ecstatically free? Yes! Safe to be whatever they wanted to be? Yes, and yes.

Who would I not recommend it to?

Couples who are struggling with trust or honesty.
Husbands who might turn forgetful of the wife they are attending with.
Women for whom voyeurism might trigger memories of a cheating partner.
Women or men who have been bullied into going.
Anyone with serious jealousy issues.
Women who may have been raped in a group setting.

No matter what you think you’re going to feel when you get there, be prepared to feel more than that.

Have agreed upon situations that might make you feel uncomfortable and stick to your plan no matter what. This is key. It’s all about trust.

The experience for me was a beautiful reminder that there is indeed room for women to be as sexual as they wish to be. To my surprise, I felt safer at a sex club than I had in many situations in my life.

Perhaps it was because I was surrounded by people who did not care to judge nor be judged, and who all required the same degree of safety from each other.

In any case, it was refreshing to be in the company of free spirits and rebels. I guess that’s who I am in the end.

Relephant:

Strong Independent Woman Syndrome. 

~

Author: Monika Carless

Editor: Travis May

Photo: Wikipedia