It’s amazing how resilient we truly are.

How many forms we take in this life, and how often we change. My life is unrecognizable compared to how it was only three years ago, but it wasn’t until today that I was even aware that I needed to say good-bye to myself.

I have done the work; I have made the physical changes necessary. I had let go of what was no longer serving me, and I followed my heart—even when it didn’t make any sense.

Today, I went to one of my soul places—a place in nature that just calms and centers me in a way nothing else can. I ended up being alone there for much of the day with no clock, no outside demands and no cell service.

I climbed the biggest boulder in the center of the river, actually having to find hand and foot holds to get to the top and like life—I scraped my knees on the way up.

When I sat down at the tallest point, the sound of the rushing water echoing in my ears, and my tangled windblown hair blowing around my bronzed and freckled bare shoulders, I looked out and began to cry unexpectedly.

Even though so much has changed, and I truly am in love with every minute of my current life, I had no idea I was still holding on to the scared little girl who played life small.

I may have let go of people and situations, but what about letting go of her? The girl who had cried rivers of tears, who had spent almost a thousand nights going to bed alone each evening and who played life small and by the rules of everyone else.

In my zeal to remake my life, I had forgotten the most important thing—to say good-bye to the old me.

At some point stumbling on my journey to find myself and remake my life I had made the choice of who I wanted to become and then fought like hell to get there.

To get to this place, this place of centeredness—of love, of compassion, of peace, of being so comfortable in my own skin that I can let go—and just enjoy the amazing ride of this life.

So, today, sitting with my elbows propped up on my knees and the sun streaking through the clouds, I made the decision to let go once more and to say good-bye to the old me, once and for all.

I said good-bye to the girl that did everything she was supposed to, but went to bed feeling vacant and lost each night.

I said good-bye to the girl that had spent years of her life with a man that she had first fallen into lust with, and then into affection—but never love.

I said good-bye to the girl that was self-doubting and whose voice shook when she spoke of her dreams.

I said good-bye to the girl that censored herself for the comfort of other people, and the rules that she felt she had to follow in order to be accepted and loved.

I said good-bye to playing it small, to living the life that is expected of me.

I said good-bye to mediocrity and the illusion of life being black and white.

I said good-bye to the girl that had hid her face in shame and bowed her head because someone else had told her that’s what she deserved.

I said good-bye to the guilt for not being able to live a lie.

I said good-bye to every fear I ever felt about being who I truly was.

I said good-bye to my insecurities about my body, and the beliefs I had been spoon fed about beauty and sexiness.

I said good-bye to myself.

I took one last deep breath and I let it all go—everything that I wasn’t even aware that I was holding inside myself.

I sat there for a while afterwards, looking out at the blue and gold shimmers that the sunlight created on the rushing water, and I contemplated what a journey it has been so far. When the time was right, I slid down the boulder and felt lighter than I ever remember feeling.

I was giddy, knowing that I was finally ready for the next chapter…whatever that may hold.

I went to the water’s edge, and in the broad sunlight, the breeze blowing against my skin, I took off my swimsuit and I slid into the cool rushing water.

I smiled and laughed and floated with the current. I sat in waterfalls and let the force of the water pound my back and my heart felt like it could fly right out of my chest.

I laid my chest against a rock half submerged under the clear water for a long time, my legs being carried out behind me by the currents and small fish swimming about my ankles, and I realized I had finally let go of the most important piece—the guilt of being anyone other than who I am.

I know that normal is nothing but a distant memory. I know that I am overwhelming, and intense. I know that I crave a life that is anything but ordinary, and that the only thing anyone can expect of me is that I will always do the opposite of what I am supposed to.

It’s not that I try to not follow the rules; it’s that I know now that some people just simply are born not knowing how to. I used to think I would make up my own rules, but now I know that the life I will live is meant to be limitless, without rules, without expectations, without fear.

And, with that I made the decision to open my heart once again, and say hello to the woman I am now—the perfectly unapologetically imperfect me.

“The greatest act of courage is to be and own all that you are. Without apology. Without excuses and without any masks to cover the truth of who you truly are.”  ~ Guillermo Alvarez

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Relephant: 

Give Me a 100 Proof Love—or Nothing at All.

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Author: Kate Rose

Editor: Travis May

Images: Wikipedia, lowbird.com