“We are like islands in the sea, separate on the surface but connected in the deep.”  ~ William James

How many possible ways can there be to excel at sex?

I mean seriously—a friend once said to me, “There are only so many things that one can do in there, only so many ways to give yourself over, only so many things a man can ask for, right?”

Wrong. Blowing someone’s mind in bed has less to do with the “what’s” and more to do with intention and artful execution.

Let me explain.

Anyone can get naked. Anyone can figure out the logistics of sex, it’s in some ways instinctive.

So how difficult can it be to please a man in bed?

I’m speaking about a certain type of man, one who craves a mental and emotional rush as well as the one you’ll give him while on your knees. Sometimes that kind of man can be intimidating to bed.

I want to get beyond the fundamentals of sex and have a conversation about how to approach a deeply satisfying sexual practice.

When I was in college, I was surrounded by some stunning young women who were much more mature than me (I had just come from an incredibly sheltered and abusive upbringing). They were world wise and their looks were the envy of our classmates.

I was truly naïve for my age—19-years-old. One would think that after suffering abuse as a child, I would have naturally been on guard with relationships. But no, I just kept trucking happily along, believing in human nature. Life hadn’t managed to squelch my natural optimism. Basically I was happy-go-lucky.

Imagine my surprise when one day a classmate told me that she hoped I would understand, but I couldn’t meet her boyfriend, who was coming to town.

“Why-ever not?” I asked, completely baffled. To be quite honest, I would have dated her before any young man, she was absolutely delicious.

She answered that I had that “thing.” Thing? What thing?

“Every boy in class wants to date you.” She announced.

“No they don’t, that’s crazy. They don’t talk to me.”

“They’re afraid you’ll shut them down.”

This girl was long legged, blond, fit and sweet—you name it, she had it. I was short, brunette, a little strange—mushroom picking anyone, my favorite weekend activity—and laughed at my own jokes.

What she told me then was the beginning of my understanding about what is attractive to a man. I have been fascinated by men’s minds ever since.

She told me that the “thing” was my openness, my vulnerability.

My smile (constant, it’s a bit of a curse) drew them in and then I “trapped them” she said by not knowing when to turn on my bitchy side. I had no idea what she was talking about.

I didn’t have the sense back then to be guarded in any way nor did I know that men at 20 and 21 were already jaded about women’s intentions. Clueless. That was me.

My heart and spirit were wide and welcoming.

What my stunning friend was alluding to was that men “fell” into me. There weren’t any barriers to soulful intimacy. Only I didn’t know that it was a “thing” or that I had it, and therefore, wore an innocence that was apparently, attractive.

Men interpreted my welcoming nature as sensual. I was sexy and did not know it. What a debacle! Until a man (older than me) told me that being unaware of my effect on men was part of my appeal—I had no idea that men thought in these patterns.

Truthfully, I thought that men were mostly void of emotion—it took much growing up to discover that men seek intimacy as earnestly as women do.

Another man asked me, over an openly seductive dinner, whether I knew that I had sex written on my forehead. I actually touched my forehead which made him throw back his head with laughter—after which he kissed me soundly.

Years later I figured out what that look is—the look that shadows a man’s eyes while he watches his lover giving him head. It’s not only lust. It’s his addiction to what’s wild and unrestrained within us. And it’s his for the moment. We’re not just blowing his c*ck, we’re also blowing his mind.

“They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.”  ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise

4 steps to his complete satisfaction:

Be real.

As in any mindful relationship, being real is absolutely necessary in bed. Just be yourself. Whoever you are day to day, your authentic self, bring that to bed.

Don’t disrespect yourself or your lover by pretending to be something you’re not. You don’t have to be smooth and enchanting if you’re shy and sometimes clumsy.

You’ll be much more charming in your own skin than trying to be someone else. If the man you’re sleeping with has any self-worth at all, he’ll value your unique self.

Part of being able to achieve a rocking orgasm is being able to disconnect from the chatter that inhibits us from completely letting go. Letting go is simply easier if you’re not concentrating on being what you think he might want, instead just letting him see the real you.

He is attracted to that “thing” you have. Those singular qualities you exuded when he first laid eyes on you and decided he had to have you. Give the man what he recognizes in you as special.

Vulnerable yet strong.

Even when you’re crawling on your knees toward him you can be in a position of strength. I don’t mean in needing to have the upper hand, but in terms of displaying your vulnerability without fear.

Vulnerability builds intimacy.

When you are strong enough to allow our vulnerability to shine through, you are your most disarming. Intimacy is the absolute cornerstone of any good relationship, be it friendship, love or sex.

True intimacy is only possible with complete honesty. And vulnerability is all about letting our partner into places that leave us raw and exposed.

This requires trust.

Let us suppose that two lovers decide to play out a certain fantasy. It might be something that neither have tried before and even on this even footing it will require a commitment to respecting boundaries. Extrapolate that to a situation where one is experienced at a naughty sex act while the other is not.

Without trust, there is a risk of intimacy being lost as one pursues something the other is not sure of. As soon as one lover shuts down because of fear or being uncomfortable, the magic can be lost.

Much is placed in the hands of a lover who has to accept your vulnerability and complete openness to a new situation. Be it an extra partner, or a foray into sub/Dom, or offering yourself in ways not done before, it is entirely more exquisite when lovers experience an unbridled rawness.

It’s your secret, then, those places you went to that he had to ask for and you had to agree to. A shared bond of trust and wicked knowing.

Give unselfishly and from a place of integrity.

As much as you like to receive from a man who is a considerate lover, men also like to receive knowing that you’re giving willingly.

Delight him by offering from a place of integrity. Don’t offer anything that makes you uncomfortable and that you’d have to give with resentment.

Men love to see their lover enjoying what they’re giving.

Call ahead and tell him what you’ll give him.

Make all the noises. Men get off on hearing their partner get off.

Keep the lights on. Men are visual creatures.

Be verbal. Say things that you’d never say outside of the bedroom.

Tell him how he rocks your world in bed. Men love praise as much as women do.

Confidence in bed grows from falling into an experience without expectations and allowing what will be.

Some people say that the first time with a lover can be bad because you know nothing about each others likes? It can also be incredibly freeing and erotic to be discovering while giving openly and honestly.

Throw expectations out the window and just free fall.

Don’t forget to ask for what you need though. He might be a rock star and know all the things, but every woman has her little secrets, so if you need him on his knees before you, or have special toy you wish him to use or like kisses in places he hasn’t ventured yet, just say so.

“The eyes are one of the most powerful tools a woman can have. With one look, she can relay the most intimate message. After the connection is made, words cease to exist. ”  ~ Jennifer Salaiz

Act like a lady even when you’re being wicked.

A man’s mind is a beautiful thing. I won’t lie and say I’m not attracted to brainy, evolved men. They’re just so damn sexy!

One thing I enjoy about men is their delight in polarities. I can tell you that it fuels their fantasies. Have I done a survey? Hell yeah!

The conservative librarian/sex pot at night bring anything to mind? I’ll let you come up with the other scenarios. Contrast creates excitement simply because it jolts the mind from the expected to the surprising. Surprises offer a level of excitement.

“I thought I was getting this, but you’re offering more than I expected.” It’s a gift in fact to receive what one has not asked for.

You can be totally classy in all areas of your life and still f*ck his brains out like a wild woman. Oh, it’s a thing—I have learned.

Mind blowing sex is about connection. Even casual sex can be incredibly mind-blowing if lovers are open and give without thought process getting in the way.

This is the secret to mind blowing sex:

Open.

Allow that deep sexual instinct to surface and let it seep from your bones. Men with an ancient instinct will virtually smell your eroticism.

Give it honestly. He’ll feel the purr within you. It will stir him soul deep.

Look him in the eye. Let him fall into you. Offer him what he needs and what you need to give.

Take what he’s got like the wild woman that you are.

I think you’ve got the thing.

Relephant bonus:

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Relephant read:

One Simple Trick to Achieve Mind Blowing Sex every Time.

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Author: Monika Carless

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

Photo: flickr