Do you have questions about creating intimacy or developing mindful relationships? Confusing questions? Awkward ones? Deep, dark scary ones? I want them. Email your questions to: [email protected].

All relephant questions will be answered with loving kindness. (Yes. Every one.) Authors remain anonymous. 

No judgments, just soulful answers.

Q. I love oral sex. I love giving it and I’m good at it. I love getting it.  

However it takes a long time for me to get there and my partner seems a bit on the lazy side when it comes to staying with the program so to speak. How do I get him to keep going and not just expect me to either get there quickly or hand me a toy to finish the job?

Don’t get me wrong—we love our toys and I enjoy him watching me and vice versa but, gee… I want him and his mouth and hands and fingers to take me there.

Am I being selfish? Expecting too much? I don’t know what to do anymore and I don’t want to fake it anymore because I’m disappointed. Help! 

A. I hear you. And I feel your frustration. For those of us women who love oral sex, it’s a vital aspect of our sex lives.

Many of us are willing to overlook a man’s lesser qualities in bed as long as he knows how to take us to the moon with his mouth. When we don’t get that connection, it can bring the entire sexual encounter down.

There are three things you need to do, all of which are about communication.

1.  Ask yourself how important oral sex is to your relationship.

That means, in and out of the bedroom. Are you able to have a satisfying sex life with your partner without the quality oral sex you crave? Is your life with your man gratifying in enough other ways that you feel this shoddy cunnilingus skill thing isn’t really all that much of a problem? After all, healthy intimate relationships are about a delicate dance of many emotional and behavioral elements. We may hate how our partner chews his food, but we love his foot massages.

You need to decide how much of a deal you want to make of this. There is no right answer. Only you know what is on your “Top Ten List of Things That Must Be” in bed. If you’re willing to let this be the one thing he’s not all that good at but you love him anyway, then carry on. If his skills downtown are high up on your list, here’s the next step.

2. Find out how he feels about oral sex.

Choose a neutral time (i.e., not the moments immediately before, during, or after sexual intimacy) and bring up the topic. Something along the lines of, “Do you like oral sex?” Likely, he’ll think you’re asking if he likes receiving it. And likely the answer will be yes.

Bonus: Use this opportunity to hone your skills as well. Ask him if he likes what you do. What might you do differently? Less? More?

Now you’ve created the perfect opening (so to speak) to express how much oral sex means to you. How you like to luxuriate in the feeling, and how wonderful it is for him to give that feeling to you.

Since you’ve addressed that it takes you a while to climax, you may wish to ask him how he feels about that. Is it a drag for him? Does he lose interest? Does he simply not know what else to do? Does he think he’s doing it “wrong?”

3. Practice.

Just like anything worth being good at, it takes practice to become a master. Keep in mind that many men simply have not had the opportunity to practice the subtle talents necessary to pleasure a woman orally. Maybe he likes to give oral sex, but perhaps his previous lovers didn’t feel comfortable receiving it. The result? He never had the chance to get good at it.

You can give him that opportunity. Once you’ve both decided that it is of utmost importance to make your body sing with his mouth and hands and fingers, it’s time to put the loving intention into action. The next time you try, do it with a clean slate. Don’t anticipate that he’ll stop. Now that you’ve talked, he may go the extra mile. If he stops too soon, let him know.

Say that it feels great and you don’t want him to stop yet. Be gentle. Stick with him; our men really do want to please us as we want to please them.

Again, remember that relationships are about loving compromise. Maybe he can’t take you all the way every time, but when he does, it’s likely to be glorious. Just be sure you let him know how much you appreciate it.

Happy loving!

 
 
 
Bonus video:

Relephant Read: 

Let’s Get Intimate: Friend or Lover? {Adult Q&A}

Author: Rachel Astarte

Editor: Renée Picard

Image: 434pics at Flickr