If you give a rat a dab of peanut butter it will likely repeat whatever it just did.

If you give it another treat when it does the same thing you have some control over that rat.

If you coo when your lover strokes your thigh, or bite his shoulder hard when he jams his finger against your clitoris you might think you have a little control over your lover and are in for better sex.

And you would be right.

But there are some problems with this scenario: To reward a behavior that behavior has to rear its head, otherwise you can’t reward it.

You can’t reward a rat for reading the newspaper, simply because they don’t.

And you can’t reward your lover for doing something that they never do.

So you need to teach them—and yourself—how to try just about everything. Being totally uncritical does just that.

Once you feel free rolling around together then successive approximations come in. You reward your lover as he/she zooms in on maximum pleasure. This is the game we played as kids when searching for something and being told “hotter” and “colder.”

That works really well during sex; it is not judgmental and leads us on the way to sexual heaven.

More attention in bed is as rare as healthy chocolate cake. But it works and makes us more present everywhere else as well.

Being there while having sex

Attention is often missing in the bedroom, and that is the place that we need it most.

But let’s face it, most of us aren’t so comfortable with bare bodies and the nuances of genitals tend to mystify us.

Getting to know our physical assets (and our partner’s) assists in the dance of shared pleasure. And it is as simple as playing compassionate doctor with each other.

Noticing change

You are likely to notice if your partner grows a mustache or puts on a few pounds, but most people wouldn’t notice subtle changes in each others genitalia or arousal patterns. Failure to notice leads to uninspired, patterned sex.

The purpose of habit is not having to be present while we are doing something. And this is sadly, exactly what happens during sex.

Often people imagine how great sex would be with someone new, not realizing that a bit of excess attention invites novelty and newness to everything we do. It makes our partner and ourselves feel brand new.

Get to know your sweeties’ private parts. And then notice that they, like every aspect of us, is changing.

With permission snap some pictures of your partner’s vagina or penis. Shoot close up. And then in a month or two take some more pictures.

A wonderful thing about pictures is that you can stare at them, use a magnifying glass and study them. Do just that so you could pick your partner’s genitals out of a line-up.

The problem with pictures is that they are two dimensional, aren’t juicy, hard or warm.

So don’t fixate on the pictures, just use them as a means to the end of getting down deep and personal with your lover’s privates—making them known to you.

Careful with the pictures though: keep them away from the web, the kids and the coffee table.

Making sex really social

Confrontation happens when my attention meets your attention. And most of us seek to avoid confrontation.

We do so by averting our eyes when we pass someone, by holding our breath and our words when we don’t agree with someone, and by generally becoming quite inattentive in social situations.

So inattentive that we attempt to make the act of sex itself non-social. We keep our attention either on our partner exclusively or focused on ourselves. We exchange fluids but not ongoing feedback about our experience.

This non-social aspect of sex seems to be quite fine for many men but disappointing for most ladies.

We need to make sex social again. And for that we need genuine real world feedback on how we did.

This isn’t likely to take the form of Olympic judges holding up numbers to record a score.

But it can easily be done with a little nest of inexpensive, thoughtful treats that you slip under your lovers pillow after a special night.

You don’t have to be the tooth fairy to do this, just a satiated, happy lover.

Little presents make your sweetie feel special. But they aren’t so special if you give them all the time. With rats, and people, providing intermittent reinforcement works best.

So surprise gifts are shinier than consistent or expected ones.

There is nothing sexier than feedback!

There is just nothing that turns us on more than knowing how well we did. And that has been sorely missing regarding sex.

Our insecurities abound when we aren’t sure how we did or leave it up to our partner to either compliment us or be silent.

Let your lover know not only how well they did, but what you especially appreciated.

Even a few words, mixed with oohs and ahhs make quite a difference.

Imagine your boss comes up with a new idea to never give you feedback on how you are doing.

That would suck, and it would bring up your insecurities.

The same sort of things happens in the bedroom.

Now imagine that your boss keeps close tabs on how you are doing and makes sure that you get rewarded when you do a good job, so you always know how well you have done.

Real, concrete feedback is a turn on that spurs on performance

Now imagine it’s Sunday morning and you are sitting at the breakfast table with your spouse and kids. You have a little bauble in your robe pocket that you found under your pillow just this morning.

You feel great, special and appreciated, so much so you are excited to pass the cereal and face the day.

Certainly, sex should be a reward in and of itself, but you can help it along by providing positive feedback and little pillow prizes.

This is such a simple idea and the rewards are colossal. It transforms the bedroom into a secure, safe place to play with someone you love.

Relephant:

~

Author: Jerry Stocking

Editor: Travis May

Image: Flickr/Lord Jim