I’m sorry I didn’t pick up when you called.

I’m sorry I didn’t reply to your texts. I’m sorry I didn’t want to go out on an adventure with you.

I’m sorry that you thought I was acting funny and that I was cold and not being myself.

But when I’m at my weakest, I need you know this—

1. My anxiety actually feels like I’m drowning. When the panic rises in my chest, I can’t take a deep breath.

2. I’m probably exhausted. My mind has been turning—staying up all night worrying. The bags under my eyes aren’t because I’m not taking care of myself. Believe me, I’m trying. It’s just that the anxiety of what-ifs and should-haves runs through my head all night long.

3. I can’t flip the switch and pretend everything is ok, just for a moment. The heaviness of anxiety is oppressive and haunting. It’s a very real battle.

There comes a point when my fierce independence and pushing you away is a fault.

4. But I’m afraid to ask you for help, because I don’t want you to see my vulnerability and my broken pieces but I need your help and support now, more than ever.

Please be gentle with me for I’m afraid and vulnerable.

~

Author: Caitlin Oriel

Image: Christopher Campbell/Unsplash