Does a “broken family” mean broken and unhappy holidays? Absolutely not. And before I get started on the holidays, let’s take a moment to acknowledge that divorce does not equal broken – it’s time for a new story about divorce, check it out here!

In the meantime, back to the holidays. This can be a very difficult time for those who have separated or divorced, whether there are children involved or not. Finding new traditions, missing the old ones, feeling lonely, dealing with family and friends and all of the questions that may come with that – it’s a lot to handle, especially when it’s been a recent split or this is your first holiday since the separation.

For those with children, it can be even more difficult trying to share time or retain your family traditions and not feel guilty about what they might be missing, what they used to have or “should” have.

Regardless of your situation, there are many ways to find peace and love during the holidays:

• Always, always, always act out of love. And this starts with yourself. So many people spend the holidays stressed out and miserable trying to make everyone happy and do everything while they silently (or not so silently) suffer. If it is not in your best interest to drive three hours to have Christmas dinner with your family but you do it every year out of obligation or guilt, stop. Something done out of obligation or guilt hurts everyone.

Note: This is not a free pass to avoid your family or a difficult situation. You must do the emotional work (feel your feelings, work through your triggers to feel and heal the pain inside) in order to feel into the best decisions for yourself and your family. You will know in your heart whether you are running away from something or avoiding something in fear vs an act of love for yourself. Always act out of love.

This guilt and obligation goes for your children as well. If they are asking for something for Christmas that you cannot afford but you buy it out of obligation or guilt, it will not serve them. The best thing possible for any child is a parent who is aligned with their inner peace and love.

Find ways to love yourself and others during the holidays and be honest about what this means for you. For some, that might mean getting together with friends, but for others that might be more time alone. That might mean decorating the house, or giving yourself a pass not to decorate this year. Feel into what you truly need and make time for things that really light you up or give you peace, even if just for a few minutes every day. Take a bath, read a great book, take a day off and do whatever you want all day long, write love letters to your friends and family instead of buying gifts, spend time with your children and go on an adventure instead of shopping.

If you don’t want to cook a huge Thanksgiving dinner – don’t! If you just want to curl up and watch a Christmas movie with the kids, do it! Be honest with your kids or others who might be disappointed. Let them know that you are following your heart and what is best for you and you’d be happy to come up with something that feels more aligned if they are willing to help (perhaps everyone can cook together or you go out to your favorite restaurant, or maybe everyone can decorate together).  Be true to yourself and what your heart really needs and desires and teach them to do the same.

“As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same.”

– Nelson Mandela

Note: Again, this is not a free pass to let yourself slump into a funk and do nothing out of sadness or despair. This is taking the most aligned action for yourself from a loving space after you have felt and dealt with your feelings, not an escape. If you feel like hiding or escaping, you have more feelings to feel, so start there.

• Only combine holidays if you can truly show up in love. Our family is one who still celebrates holidays together, and it is wonderful, but be honest with yourself about your or your former partner’s ability to show up in love. If you cannot fully feel aligned with your true self and act with love toward your former partner, do not try to force togetherness. And I don’t mean in love, I mean with love. If you can’t be in the same room with them and not feel triggered or negative or “off” – if you can’t really be your true self (which is love), then don’t do it.

I see a lot of people try to make it work “for the kids”, but this is just like staying married for the kids. Kids are very smart, and they are way more tuned into energy and what is not said than we give them credit for. They will absolutely notice that things are tense, you are unhappy or that it feels forced. It is much more important for your children to have a holiday with a parent who is aligned with peace and love than two parents together for the holidays.

And this may change over time. Perhaps you’re not there yet, but a combined holiday once or twice a year or for a child’s birthday could be something you work toward. It is possible, and it is wonderful when done out of love for all.

For parents who aren’t able to combine holidays, you can use a schedule that rotates the family’s most important holidays or split the days in half (day/evening) if you live close enough. There are numerous holidays and important events and also many ways to split them. The most important thing is agreeing to a schedule that works for everyone, especially the kids, and finding a way to be in alignment with it (not complaining to the kids about the schedule or making them feel guilty or sad that they won’t be with you for an event). If you and your co-parent cannot agree, please find someone to work with that can help you through this important facet of co-parenting.

• Parents – agree on a gift budget. Do not be the parent that tries to buy your child’s forgiveness or tries to be the “best” parent by buying your children a bunch of stuff that they don’t need. Your child needs one thing: love. They need you to love them so much that you can agree with your former partner on how much will be spent on gifts from each parent (and it should be equal unless there’s a very good reason to agree otherwise). They need you to love them so much that you realize that even though divorce has affected them, you can’t make up for it with presents. You make up for it with deep love for yourself and for them, open communication, respect for their other parent and presence, not presents.

• Feel everything. Holidays can be a lonely time regardless of your situation, but if you find yourself recently separated or are the “off parent” and are alone during this holiday season, it can be incredibly difficult, especially if it’s new.

With rotating holiday schedules, you may find yourself without your children for the first time ever on Christmas Eve. Or you may be attending a New Year’s party solo for the first time in years. You may miss the traditions that you’ve had for decades or just feel disconnected. Whatever you’re feeling, feel it. And I mean really feel it. If you feel sad, cry. If you feel angry or upset, breath through it deeply. Sit with that feeling in your body and just be present to whatever it is – not the story around it, the feeling. Later you may find that there is a story there or wound from your childhood or a past relationship that needs to be worked through, but the first step is to feel it. Don’t stuff it down with food, alcohol, TV or endless social activities. Don’t talk about it over and over at every holiday function and spread the negativity – just be present to it so it can be released. And remember, you cannot outrun your pain.  It will always catch up with you, so take the time now.  More on this here!

If you’re not sure how to do this or are overwhelmed by your feelings, my amazing mentor, Kristian Strang with Rising Up For Love, has created an incredibly helpful step by step guide on exactly how to process your feelings and move through them to heal.  Find it here!

Whatever your situation, I hope you know that love and peace are possible.  And if you find yourself saying “but you have no idea how [enter unkind adjective here] my Ex is! It’s not possible!” Please remember this quote by Wayne Dyer: “Conflict cannot survive without your participation.”

You don’t need anything to change for you to be at peace. The only thing you can control is how you show up and how you react to whatever it is that they are doing (or not doing). If you find yourself angry, in blame, hurt or victimized by what another is doing, start there. Notice what you are feeling and the story running behind it. Don’t focus on them, focus on you. Remember that everything that comes to you is happening for you so that you can see the wound or dynamic that needs to be felt and healed within yourself – the next layer to be shed so that you can return to your true nature – love. A great book to help with this awareness is Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now.  Perhaps an early holiday gift – to yourself, with love. Enjoy!